Home, Tears, What Now?

Home, Tears, What now?

Ok, so this blog could be absolutely massive, but I need to get things off my head and I need to write away my feelings and emotion.... Im currently at work after sleeping like an absolute log with some rather extreme dreams.

The last 10 days have been good, really really really really good.
I drove down on the Wednesday, after working 4 days straight and living off 6 hours sleep, it was tough. I got through scotland easy, as it always is, Manchester was alright, but Birmingham, as ALWAYS, was busy. Then I hit Exeter at rush hour. It took me 11 hours. I got out my car, ran into my dads flat, and collapsed into his arms, I couldnt have done another 15 minutes driving. I sat on the sofa for ages trying to sleep but unable to wind down from the constant high speeds on the motorway, then Dad took me out for dinner which I was sadly unable to appreciate because I was so so tired.

I struggled to sleep that night, but in the morning I met up with my grandparents, who I absolutely idolise, they are everything I aim to be in life. Grandad is someone who reminds me a lot of myself in the way that he lives in life by making everyone around him happy, and thats something I thrive off aswell like him.
I feel like Ive changed, I dont know what it is, but as soon as I got home I wanted to see my friends and family and see people and do nothing more but to make them smile and make them happy, spoiling them, taking them out, because it gives me that inside buzz that Im doing something good with myself.... Doing things for myself has NEVER ever made me happy, it just gives me that feeling of achievement which is ok I guess, but doing things for the people I love makes me truly happy.
It was nice to see them, we had a good breakfast and I told them Id take them out and take them to see James Bond later in the week which I did - saying goodbye was hard, Grandad was in tears, I hide my emotions around people until Im on my own, usually when I get into my car, I hate people seeing my weak and rather emotional side.

I saw loads of friends, I think after that I saw Jamie, hes like a brother to me, we went off to the football on saturday aswell which was great fun. We tell each other everything and anything and after weve known each other for so long if he wanted me to follow him off a cliff I would. It was good fun, we had some gossip to spread and its always nice to see your best friends after such a long time apart.
Jordan and Alex are always the same, you are guaranteed laughs around them. Dan is someone Ive grown closer to after we drifted slightly, I have a lot of time for him and his Dad, I will probably text him later.
Tasmin is someone that adores me and myself likewise, she only wants the best for me and I will only ever want the best for her, its good to have that non bias girly best friend in your life who will tell you straight to the point. It was good to see Josh aswell, one of the weirdest people I know but also someone who makes me laugh almost with everything he says.
There were other friends aswell, but on Friday night I took Jess out for dinner. I met her first around this time last year when I was in a relationship, I came down and got paraletic before buying her a couple drinks and flirting with her. I messaged her around 5 months ago and we just got talking, shes a proper laugh, so I thought it wouldnt harm in taking her for dinner. It was nice, looking back on her she is one of, if not the nicest girl I think ive ever met. After about 5 minutes in the car with her I thought she reminded me of me... Which isnt a bad thing I suppose.... I took her for Wagamamas where I was constantly eating beans for the entire duration, before we went for a drink at some restaurant and before walking past an army of swans. I was thinking the entire time I want to kiss her but I couldnt pick a right moment without her thinking Im some sort of weirdo, which I kind of am... So we got into the car and I just kissed her then. Shes a good kisser.

I drove her home and instantly missed her. We text and before we know it I saw her the next day, we planned that she would drop her stuff off at my dads before heading off into town with her mates, whilst I headed into town with my boys. She looked really nice. Me and Alex were at my dads drinking, before heading into my room where we facetimed Jack in America which was really nice. Then we had a heart to heart which was also nice, before Jess drove us into town.
I was wearing as you can imagine, an extremely flamboyant shirt. Its something I swear by, why should I dress the same as everyone else? Its just boring. I love different things. That night though.... WHAT A NIGHT
Me and Alex got absolutely hammered at my Dads before hitting the pub where we met up with the rest of the guys, I thought it would be good to get a Gin Lemonade with Lime, and before you knew it, so did every other person in the place. Im classy, when Im out I like to drink proper alcohol and eat proper food.
We all wondered off to Venue, a terrible nightclub in Torquay purely for cheap drinks, before hitting the proper nightclub, Park Lane... This is where I dont remember anything at all, so sorry to disappoint. This is where it gets patchy. I left Park lane without Jess, I lost her. All my mates got into a taxi and I said Id stay in town on my own and look for Jess, I tried calling her with no success. Bare in mind at this point I was hardly able to walk. What I did next is unheard of even for me.
I couldnt find any taxis so what I did is I got into someones car...... A random car in the road, I just got into it. I said mate could you take me home, and obviously he instantly went 'what the f@ck are you doing', he was probably the gayest guy you could ever have heard... After a small chat he drove me up to Torquay train station where we just sat and had a massive talk about things, which I found odd. I told him how I was so upset about how Id lost jess and I remember him saying in his voice, dont worry mate we will find her... It was nice. So off we drove where we found Jess and he took us back to my dads.
I asked his name, which I cant remember, and offered him as much money as he wanted, when he didnt want anything. So whoever you are good sir, thankyou for saving my skin that night, and not raping me.

I think me and Jess just got in and passed out, I cant remember. I woke up in the morning and was all over her though.
We didnt have sex for girl reasons, which Im looking at a blessing in disguise because its almost giving it a build up to be bloody amazing if or when it does happen.... We stayed in bed until 2 before getting up ad wondering off to our cars, she drove us around before I took her out for dinner at arguably the nicest restaurant around. Then we both drove home. Then I got 12 hours sleep...
After all of this it was Monday and I only had a couple days left, I cant remember for the life of me what I did on Monday, I think I spent it with my dad before seeing Jamie again and going out for a curry with Josh. Tuesday I went out for dinner with Alex, Jordan and Tasmin, getting a lorry load of banter abuse for my episode on saturday night with the lad that took me home.
After that I stayed at Jess', which was really nice. I did something I never do, not even to my ex girlfriends, I opened myself up to Jess, I told her deep stuff that only the closest of my friends know, my sexual addiction, the way I see the world and what I want to get out of my life, I told her a lot that not many people know, its the proper me, its the real me. I dont know if it was a good idea because I felt like I opened myself up emotionally to her, but if she hurts me I dont know, Im used to it by now. You get used to people hurting you after a while. Touch wood, she did remind me of me, so who knows.
Wednesday we spent all day together, we went off to Trago which was random but funny, then we went off to the moors for a bit which was nice, then back to hers to say goodbye. I kept it short, I knew I was going to cry I just didnt want to around her. I didnt want to leave. I hugged her, kissed her, smacked her ass, said bye, got into the car, and burst into tears. I was shaking. I had never felt like that before, a million questions were going through my mind. Why cant I just be happy for once? Why have I got to leave? Why does Jess live so far away? You can imagine what I was thinking. It was horrible. I must have been there for about 10 minutes in the dark balling my eyes out.. I know why.. Im never happy on my own, Im miserable, Im always miserable because Im not where I want to be in life.. but around Jess I was happy, she was so weird and so different, a lot like me, and I felt like I could just be myself, which is rare around someone. I was really happy, so to go from that peak of happiness to that abyss of my miserable self, having to drive 600 miles away from her and all my other friends, it wasnt a nice feeling. And for the first time in my life Im asking myself serious questions.
Girls say guys have no emotions, but I do. I can see why guys throw that part of themselves out of the window, because emotions hurt, they really really really hurt you, but it makes you grow, it makes you appreciate, it makes you a better person. This is all soppy but its true, and I will never turn into one of those stereotypical lads with zero emotions because frankly I love my friends too much to ever have the feelings of a stone on a rocky beach.

On the Thursday I packed my stuff before leaving to see Jamie and say bye, obviously no tears around him, there were tears the very first time I said goodbye to him, but none since. Dad is Dad, a lot like Mum, you get used to living away from them. Dad drives me insane, but I love him. I miss him. But I see my parents as people who will always be there no matter what, which I will talk about in a bit.
I planned on staying overnight in preston, near manchester, on thursday with James, just to make the psychological aspect of the 600 mile journey a bit easier. How wrong I was. It was the journey from hell. Birmingham was gridlocked, a crash on the M6 aka Hell on earth. Then there was a crash near Manchester, so I had my Sat Nav taking me on a detour around the city on an A road. A crash on the A road... It took me 8 hours to drive less than 300 miles. I got to James and we went straight to the pub. Then I fell asleep almost straight away before leaving for Aberdeen at around 8.30, once again, having a terrible journey with rain and escort vehicles blocking the A90 for 40 miles. It was terrible. I was in a mood. I got home at around 3pm. All in all those 600 miles took me around 14 hours. So its a good idea I stayed overnight halfway!!

I got home, Mum was in the driveway smiling and I just sat in the car for a while. Then I got out, and I felt weird, I felt my stomach drop, Mum was there asking if I had a good time and I instantly felt miserable. I said yeah. Then I looked at her and could feel something in me just break, it was horrible, I burst into tears approaching my mum for a hug. I didnt stop crying.
I told her everyhing, I miss my friends I said, I hate it up here. But I know within myself that I NEED to stay up here to finish my education, and as sad as it is, I could NEVER live back home again, because there is nothing there. Mum started crying, I had stopped, I felt so angry. I just had one thing going through my mind and that was why? Why is all this happening to me and WHY is it not stopping. Im not one to wallow in self pity, so instead I was just so angry. Mum was in tears, she just said how there will always be a home in Aberdeen if I needed one.
What was odd is that the animals knew, Rosie didnt leave me alone, she would look at me, I would be there almost in tears all night, and she would come up to me, climb on me and hug me.
The cat aswell would constantly be around me. Its odd how they are always there for me, thats why like my friends back home I love my animals more than almost anything else in life.
Would the tears have happened if I didnt see Jess? I think the tears would have come regardless. Ive been unhappy for so long up here, and to come back up here after being so happy with my friends and now Jess aswell.... It was hard, Im feeling a bit better now, once I get into routine and keep myself busy, doing lots of Uni work, doing placement work, hitting the gym, Im sure I will feel a bit better within myself, but I will always miss my friends and I will always miss Jess after that rare happy feeling she gave me.

Something needs to change, because this isnt how I want to live my life. But what now?
I dont know. Usually I have an answer for stuff like this but I dont. Keep myself busy I guess, see friends, hug the animals haha. My ethics in life is simple, work hard, be you, keep people around you happy. Within myself I will never be happy until Im where I want to be, which kind of shows you how driven I am. I want to have my own business, I want to be successful, I want something to call my own and to grow. I want to have a family one day and be able to offer them and provide them with anything in the entire world. I want to sit there with my wife drinking nice alcohol and eating nice food, driving around in a nice car. And what annoys me a lot is that I know I can achieve it. Ive been so frustrated and so unhappy for so long now, which is making me miss Jess almost all the time.

Im off to Manchester in almost a week for a gig which I cant wait for, and then its only a couple of weeks before New York. And then after New York theres only a couple of weeks before I come back home again, this time for longer, and hopefully see Jess and all my friends again.... I have a lot of Uni work to do which will keep me busy. And I have an idea which I need to look into more providing I have the time which I dont think I will... I dunno.
I believe everything happens for a reason, I went to see a psychic who told me all of this would happen, they did tell me what would happen after this period in my life which I wont say on here, they told me about my career and about my family and my finance, but its hard to see it happening, especially when you feel like this. I do believe in fate and all that lark, and its no coincidence that SO many terrible things have happened in my life to make me the person I am today, Im weird and I love it, but it gives you that platform to grow on and thats something almost nobody else has, it makes you feel different to everyone because so many bad things have happened in your life. You just have to get on with life because it doesnt stop for anybody which is morbid but true. I find it no small coincidence either that Jess said to me everything in life happens for a reason and that she believes in fate aswell, that made me smile, not many people share my odd outlook on life. I cant wait to be home already, if I see her again Im going to pick her up and swing her around like one of those rides at the fareground, and then take her to the bedroom and not to cuddle, without getting into to much detail on here. Im going to take my grandparents out again, go for another walk with my dad, see all my friends again, and hopefully not end up in another random persons car begging to be taken home because youre so drunk you cant tell a lampost from adam......