I'm Really Really Unhappy

Happiness, Jealous, Lonely, finishing Uni,

Ok right Im really really not very happy, its weird for me because everyone knows Im usually the most bubbliest happiest person in the entire world, but Im just not anymore. In the car on the way to placement this morning (where I am now - with not much to do) I was close to tears again, I feel like later on Im gonna just burst into tears when I get home because Im constantly holding in my unhappy feelings and being miserable with everyone around me at the moment.
I miss my home a lot, albeit I could never live there again, so I dont think its specifically home, I think its more I miss my friends and other people back down home because on my own I find it hard to be happy, I usually rely on my source of main happiness from other people - which yeah its a bad idea but thats just me.
Talking to Jamie takes it all away, I can talk to him about it and it takes it all off my mind, Im lucky to have someone like him. Talking to Tasmin is good because I can get it all off my chest with her. Talking to Jess really makes me very happy, but she has a life and she isnt going to want to be talking to me constantly. I dunno. Its a tough situation.

Youd be thinking I should naturally be buzzing because of Manchester next week for the gig, which will be very very very good. And then New York in a couple weeks aswell... Its just not hitting me yet, I still miss home and everyone else back home.
Something thats always been me is that I usually get quite jealous, if Jamie is going somewhere with James I will be jealous and it will get to me because I would obviously, like any friend, would want to be with them. If Tasmin says shes off somewhere to dinner with her boyfriend that will get to me because it sounds like shes having a great time where Im not. If Jess snapchats me a picture of her and some other guy like she did last night it gets to me, I will get upset and jealous because Im jealous of him being with her, whoevers with her should feel lucky, is it natural or am I being a pr*ck? I dont know. I was awake last night at 5 and saw one and it hurt, and I dont know why. It was a horrible feeling.

I am very lonely up here and I will admit that, people up here are different. Everyone in Torbay would happily be your friend and everyone is the same because everyone is working class - like me. Working class people up here though are rare, and that makes people arrogant and cocky, and theres nothing I dislike more. It doesnt help how Im constantly busy, for instance, today and tomorrow I have placement, after placement I will be hitting the gym.
Friday I have Uni before hitting the gym.
I have work all weekend.
Uni on Monday.
Tuesday and wednesday Im in Manchester
Thursday Im back to placement, Friday Uni, work all weekend. Its a vicious cycle that leaves me with no time for anybody else and its hard.

Hitting the gym is really important for me, not only physically but mentally - I push myself to the limit every time and I take that everywhere in life with me. Very rarely Im unable to do a gym session and thats when I know Im not very well. People always question why I work out so much and so hard but theres a lot of reasons.
The main one is to look good naked, I NEVER show off my body and never wear expressive clothes or post pictures all over social media like a lot of immature lads - I save my body for the bedroom, good sex is so important to me and looking good physically improves you in bed, trust me. Albeit I havent slept with someone in a month or 2 it is still the number one reason. And to be honest, Im not that bothered about sex at the moment, my addiction still affects me mentally but Im so busy with stuff like I said I have no time for myself, let alone anyone else. Spending time with Jess changed my attitude aswell, sex is sex yeah, but being happy with someone is also important and that makes the sex 10000x better... Jake states the obvious.
All my mates take the micky because wherever we are and its very hot they know I dont hesitate in stripping off, thats the only time I usually take stuff off in public.
It makes you feel good, without the gym no doubt I would be a bit of a slob and be a completely different person, it gives me mental stimulation and I recommend absolutely everyone to do it - maybe not to the extremes I do though....

Im going to email the Uni tutor later to see if its possible I can leave at the end of the year with a bog standard degree, if I can do that then Im going to move somewhere on my own and start my own business, Im getting fed up of being sat still waiting for something to happen. Working in a normal job like 99% of people is something that has always terrified me, how can you live your entire working life in a place you honestly dont really want to be, only living for your days off? Relying on somebody else for your income? Its probably my most extreme view and opinion. People slate me for it but I have a drive that hopefully one day might take me somewhere, I dont want to be successful for me either - I want to be successful to feel good, so I can give people around me who I love anything they want.
Its important to me to be able to take my wife or girlfriend out for dinner, to drive her around in a nice car, to make her feel like shes the most important person in the world. Im an old romantic, its just a shame nobody else really is anymore.

Its tough, Im constantly swimming against the tide in my mind that I should be doing better than I am and it gets to me a lot. Missing people back home gets me down, I miss my grandparents and my dad and I miss my mates, and at the moment I still miss Jess almost all the time - mix that together with my jealous moods, my lonely moods, and the feeling that Im doing pretty terribly at most things at the moment makes me feel absolutely f*cking terrible - I do hide it pretty well though, because the last thing I want is for the entire world knowing I constantly felt like this.