True Friends Stab You in the Front

It bothers me that every time I try to take a step forward to grow as a person, someone is always there to tell me I’m wrong and try to push me back. I’m trying my best to think things through before I go ahead and do them, usually if you ask me why I want to do something I can tell you my reasoning; and it will make perfect sense.

I know what my emotional limits are, and I do try to push them at times. It’s been a slow process for me to get where I am, but I feel like it was necessary to have gotten to this point. I had a lot to work through, and a lot of negative self talk to correct.

So when presented with a situation that I’ve basically already lived through once, I know what my limits are, I know what I can do. And I can’t be in this situation; I really don’t want to be. Last time was horrible, I lost a friend, I was at my lowest point of depression in a long time, I turned to self harm to punish myself for how I was feeling. I haven’t self harmed in years, I’m still a little ashamed of myself for sinking that low. Funny thing is that’s one of the thoughts/feelings I would have cut myself for having.

Through everything I managed to piece myself back together, and get to a functioning. My friend came back into my life, but now they’re doing the exact same thing as before. When I know I can not be in this situation and thrive, why would I want to stay there? The correct answer is I don’t want to stay, yes.

So, as I assume any adult would, I went to that friend and just asked to be removed from the situation. I asked them to stop talking to me, and I gave my reasoning. Just thinking about the situation gives me a negative physical reaction, I shake. I’ve gotten a bit better with the shaking, but once I’m in the situation I just want to run away. Unfortunately I always feel trapped, if I leave I’m an asshole and make things awkward, if I stay I shake and feel miserable.

The only negative thing about leaving the situation would be losing my best friend, again. But it’s for the best I feel, it enables everyone in the situation to be ‘happy’ again. Because this friend doesn’t want to lose me again, I’m not a loud to leave the situation. Every time things have gotten bad between us, they have always gotten mad at me a left. Did I want to talk things out and stay friends? Yeah, every single time. But it’s just been so many times now, and I’m tired of having to put myself back together. That’s why I want to leave before I completely fall apart.

I’m at a weird point right now with this friend. I don’t feel the same towards them, no trust. Before everything started to go poorly again my friend and I had a deep conversation, things got emotional, we cried, but I thought we had come out of it with an understanding of each other’s feelings on the matter. Either only I came out of it with an understanding, or this friend completely disregarded everything I had said. They lied to me, did exactly what they promised they wouldn’t do, and then I had to find out from someone else.

I’ve never felt so disrespected by a ‘friend’. We’re both mature adults, my friend can make their own decisions even if it’s something that could hurt me. But to then not treat me like an adult because they ‘knew’ I wouldn’t react well; was another slap in the face on top of it all. How can you be friends with someone you can’t trust, and has proven time and time again that you can’t? How can you be friends with someone who doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you? How can you be friends with someone who thinks it’s okay to scream at you and leave, but when you try to peacefully leave they say no, because they would be sad?

Part of their reasoning for not wanting me to leave is because they don’t want me to be alone, well I’ve never felt more alone. I’ve never felt more alone then when spending time with them. So I decided to just be open with my emotions, if I’m sad I’m going to let myself be as such. I have a hard time letting people see how I’m really feeling; I mask my feelings because of my depression. But I feel if they can see what they’re really doing to me, maybe they’ll stop.

I’m sure no one is going to read this, or make it to the bottom at least. But I’m very open to advice, or perhaps if someone would like to talk to me about their own experiences I can listen. Other points of view are always welcomed by me, helps to see things from a different point of view.