Nostalgia

Wow, back on Mibba.

Never thought I'd see the day I'd leave this place. I guess it hasn't really come yet since, obviously, here I am. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that everything's changed. I have too, after all. It just feels weird going to the Stories page and not having to scroll past tens of My Chemical Romance fan-fiction. As of right now, I'm listening to "Welcome to the Black Parade" and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

I think I created this account in 2008. Maybe '07. Hard to believe it's been eight years. Hard to believe I still remember the login info to an account I made when I was twelve.... I still remember the first story I posted here. I remember my friend Carla telling me about it. She'd print off pages upon pages of Frerard fan-fiction off here and read it in class. I don't talk to her anymore. I don't really talk to anybody I knew back then.

If I put on the right song and close my eyes I can see it perfectly. I close my eyes and I'm back on a friend's white leather couch. It's summer. I can smell her mom's cigarette smoke from the other room. There's a glass coffee table and a brick fireplace that takes up the whole wall in front of me. MTV is on and they're playing the music video for "Helena". Change the song, and I'm at my dad's house in the middle of the night, ripping Panic! At the Disco songs onto my first MP3 player, a white and orange Zen. I'd listen to it on the bus to drown out the noise. I can still see all my old posters. Some are currently rolled up in the back of my closet.

I still like vampires. I still watch anime. I still wear mostly black. I still care too much about what people think.

It makes me sad, hearing those songs and seeing this site. So much time has passed and a lot has changed, but I don't feel like I'm really any farther ahead. In the past eight years, I graduated high school, turned 18, had jobs, lost my virginity, fell in love, became disabled, turned 21. I managed to finally find the words--bisexual, anxiety disorder, clinical depression--for things I felt back then. They're just a lot more prevalent now.

My Chemical Romance broke up. I was pretty embarrassed by how much that hurt. It felt like a sudden end to my adolescence. Like adulthood suddenly smacked me upside the head.

I still write. I never finished anything I started on here, but I kept all my drafts just in case. I have a new book now. It's about witches. I don't know if I'll post it here. I guess I should, for old times sake. Looking around, it seems like these blogs are where a lot of the activity is. I could use a place to ramble on about lolita and stuff like that. I don't know if anyone will read these, but I could use a place to rant. I'm sure my therapist would approve.

So, yeah.

Hello again, Mibba. Thanks for still being here.