My Life so Far

I am now a senior in high school. I'm 18, my boyfriend, Justin, is the greatest and sweetest thing alive and I'm moving in with him in about 8 months (in end of July of 2016). We've been together for about 2 years now, even though we use the day we first started talking as our anniversary (April 15, 2011) so its almost 5 years now... *Sigh*

But the reason why I came on here today is because while I am no longer suicidal, I still have the urge to cut (even though it's been over a year and a half since the last time). And I want to share a few things with you guys. Whenever I have that urge, I still grab my knife, scissors, or any sharp object near me, and I still put it to my skin. But I don't cut, I simply just hold it there with slight pressure for a few minutes, and when I feel like I'm done, I release the pressure and then drag it softly across my skin and then put whatever I had in my hand down. It feels almost the same as actually doing it, but no permanent scars. The marks that it leaves go way in a few minutes usually. I don't let most things get me down anymore. I don't take things offensively if they weren't meant that way. I always look at things in a positive way now. I recently went through a very rough patch of my depression.. Some people say that the depression itself is the worst part of it, but personally, I think its coming out of the depression that is the worst. Especially if its bipolar depression, like what I have. With normal depression, you have it 'on' constantly throughout your life until you get better. But with bipolar depression, it turns 'on' without warning, and it stays on for as long as it wants. Then it gradually turns 'off'. But you slowly get all your emotions back, and the ability to feel again. And whatever emotion you feel first when that begins is what you cling to. Now unfortunately for me, that was sadness. I was crying constantly and, it actually got to the point to where I wanted to kill myself(but never acted on it) because my body refused to grab hold of any other emotion that passed by. I was like this for around 3 weeks. Then I finally got another emotion that I decided to keep, and that was anger. Let me tell you. Sadness and anger combined is not good at all. But soon after that I got more emotions back and I was able to laugh again. I am not looking forward to when I fall back down again. From the end of September 2015 to the end of October 2015 I was sick. I was coughing (coughing up things I didn't even know were in my body) and I had a fever, and I couldn't breathe most of the time. No matter what the doctor gave me, it didn't work. But eventually by October 28th ish I was mostly better. But today, December 12th, I still cant breathe well, but I'm not coughing as much and my fever has gone down slightly. I'm just glad that its over for the most part.