Insecure

So many people put their two cents in and say, don't be insecure, you're perfect just the way you are.

Let me set the record straight: there is no such thing as perfect. Each and every person on this Earth has a flaw. Big ones, little ones, something they don't like about themselves. The difference between them and me is that fact that they have someone that works to help fix those flaws, to make them better.

My whole life has been a giant waste of fucking time. I have tried committing suicide three times and each time I was unsuccessful, clearly. I want to know why it's okay for someone to feel this shitty about yourself. Why everything keeps falling through my fingers and no matter how hard I fight to keep something, it leaves.

Rejection has followed me since I was a kid.

I was chubby, I looked like a boy, I didn't play the right sports, I tried too hard, my glasses were weird, my clothes weren't the latest and greatest. You would think growing up it would get better, people would mature. Realistically they just got meaner.

Dating only proved to me that I was right, I would never be good enough. I wasn't skinny enough, pretty enough, I wasn't on the varsity team, I was a prude, didn't put out, a bitch, a loner, and the worst part of it all? I wore my heart on my sleeve regardless. Each and every time I was shut out. Rejection is all I have known.

My own family. They worship my cousin, she can do no wrong. She went to Maine and studied this and now is dating a rocket scientist and works at UK and I'm just over here, low man on the totem pole, waiting for it to be my turn. I don't want them to worship me, I just want them to care, to get excited when I come into town to visit. It'll never happen.

I'm not writing this for sympathy, I really don't need you to try to say, "It'll be okay, life gets better." I'm writing this because I am sick and tired of pretending everything is going to be fine. Nothing is fine. It will never be fine. "You deserve better." Every time I reach for better, it rejects me. "Your life isn't as bad as someone else's." I get that, but that doesn't change the way I FEEL about myself.

I am not okay. I can't remember the last time I was remotely close to being okay.

Insecurities aren't my enemy, the world is. It's the world that put these inside my head, that grew me into what I am, and it'll be the world that destroys it all. That's what it does.