Playing Pretend

I'm an introvert and the thought of starting a new life and meeting new people terrifies me. I lack the finesse required to carry out the necessary social overtures. I hide behind this blog and intricate metaphors most of the time. But I need to change.
On Christmas my world came crashing down around me and all of the pieces I was holding together came unhinged. My friend C got engaged to a man who loathes me, and she wrote me off. Same with my friend A. I had been avoiding L since our awkward near-sexual encounter that was akin to sexual assault, but I desperately needed someone to talk to. He told me that J had moved on. He told me that C would probably never talk to me again, and that A was avoiding me to appease her boyfriend. It wasn't like I didn't know all of this was happening. Just hearing it and having it confirmed was the final straw; the one thing needed to cause the imminent collapse of a delicately composed house of cards.
L and I are working on our social skills together. He's a mess. If I could hand each attractive stranger I'd like to ask for a drink a finely composed letter then I would be set. Him not so much. Someone recently told me it was refreshing that I was a girl with an actual personality. He said he wanted conversation rather than a relationship that could devolve into just sex and I get that. I want that too. I'd kill to have the social abilities to master that. He wants to know the things that make me who I am and that's amazing. Once I let someone in though, then I just seem clingy even though I'm still relatively aloof. It seems that I come off as emotionally delicate and men think I need to be coddled. I don't want to be coddled and they certainly don't want to coddle me. I just want to love someone uninhibited. I want someone to know me and accept me rather than try to fix me. I don't need to be fixed because all of these cracks and scars are what made me who I am. Fixing those blemishes means changing me into someone else--someone who doesn't have that stellar personality or charm. I'm dark and twisty and I'm okay with that.
My heart has been broken countless times and it wasn't until now, the first time that I've ever had the inconvenience of having to actually having to try to find a companion, that I realized how afraid I am. How many times have I had my signals misread? How many times have my concerned questions been taken the wrong way? How many times have I been shattered and stomped on? How many more times can I do it?
I want to be that really upfront girl who has no problem laying it all on the line. I do my best. I remind potential dates that I'm bold. I remind them that I've been through hell and back and I'm not ready to deal with their drama and I don't want them to deal with mine. I just want to sip my coffee or cocktail and have a conversation with someone. I want to be honest about things that I know I should just keep to myself--like the grey storm cloud of depression that I'm living in right now. I feel like I should warn them of the happy, insomnia riddled days when I'm hypomanic. I feel like I should tell them that these dark days of forced smiles and exhaustion are typical and this is the person they're getting. But society tells me I can't be that honest. I'm detached but that doesn't mean I don't want someone to drag me out of bed on the worst of my days and force me to brush my hair and put on make up. I want someone who knows. But if I'm honest they'll be standoffish and it will kill any potential relationship. If I wait too long to share it seems like I've lied.
In my past relationships this was never a problem. E saw me for who I was from the start and he called me on it. A knew about my problems before I did and he always swept in to save me from myself. J had the same issues, and I warned him early on because he noticed I couldn't sit still on our first date in the midst of a hypomanic episode. It still contributed to the demise of our relationship.
I just want to be out there and honest. I have psychological issues and I'm pretty good at keeping myself in check. I love with all I have and then some and I never, ever regret it. I love fast. If I ask what your plans are it isn't some secret plan to guilt you into spending time--it really is just a question. I'm deeply flawed and my heart has been broken and I've lost a piece of it each time, but I have a big heart and I still have a lot to give. Just let me be me. Love me for me. Want me for me.