Seeking Company for My Mental Illness

Hi guys.

It's me. (I'm in California dreaming... #adele5ever)

Anyways - so.... I'm struggling a bit, I guess, to just write this post at all. So I think for those reading, that in itself should just be a general sign about "the struggle."

I'm a grown ass adult that lives at home and goes to grad school. I've got some dope ass parents that are awesome and pretty chill about me doing my educational thing and they pay for my car insurance (shout out to parents that pay your car insurance while you're still under 25 ladies am'i'rite). For the most part I lead a ridiculously privileged life, I don't want for a lot, but I've also been struggling with my depression for about the past five years.

I've never actually gotten help either. Y'know while I was studying for my bachelor's I went to see the campus psychologist like, twice, and while she was really nice it just wasn't helping me. Eventually I just kind of ignored my depression (such a great idea) and just pushed through my senior year through sheer force of will.

So the thing about time is that it tends to mute the ugly, bad things in our past that we don't like to remember. So after I graduated, I just kind of forgot how utterly horrible and awful it was dealing with my depression on my own. I have never told anyone about it. Well I told two people, and their understanding of depression equated to "anyone with depression is literally about to jump off a bridge" and "well why do you think you feel that way".

Kill me. Not literally.

So I'm scarred after telling these two people who were friends, because they treated me completely different after this. God forbid I actually tell my parents. You can kind of see where this is going at this point.

These last three months I've been legitimately struggling on my own. I started having suicidal thoughts a few weeks ago (however, I would like to clarify that I'm not suicidal. I'm totally cool guys, and while I'm sure that's not super convincing I promise, I'm okay.) which kind of woke me up. I realized, "Hey harper, if you've reached this point you're probably inching into pretty fucked up territory, and need to get help."

But I am having a really hard time doing it. Like I get physically nauseous even thinking about scheduling an appointment with a psychologist or even telling someone "hi I'm really not doing okay."

So I guess I'm kind of asking that if you struggle or struggled with your mental health in the past, like, how did you reach out for help? Y'know, like I think it's the worst thing to know that you're sick and to know that you're being a little bitch for not wanting to get help, but I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Ja feel?