What Scares You the Most?

I know what scares me, what has scared me, and it came to pass sooner than I thought.

I don't know who all read my last blog- the one about my aunt's funeral. I asked, wondered, who would be next? I didn't expect an answer so quickly.

Halloween sucked. I had a migraine the entire day. I wanted away from everyone and everything. The phone calls about my mom, the noise of the store, and plans going wrong at every turn. I wanted silence and solitude. I was selfish and I hate it.

November first to the eleventh were the worst days that started off a lie.

What scares you the most? Seriously, answer me at the end of this.

I argue a lot with my mom. We argued over the dumbest stuff sometimes. It never lasted long though and soon we'd be back to normal again.

I want to argue with her again. Except, at the end, I want to tell her she's right.

November first I went to check on my mom. She had lost track of the days and had been found sleeping half-naked on the front room couch. Surely she was just sick, right? Not a chance.

It was a stroke. She didn't recognize me for several hours. Then it seemed as if everything was okay. I had made it through one of my fears and mom was on the mend. She would be coming home by the end of the week and coming over to have dinner at the new apartment too.

But one stroke was followed by another, then another, and then a final one. She was full of clots from her lungs to her carotids to her brain.

Please, please, I asked again and again. I had stopped praying to any form of god years ago, but this was all I knew to do.

There was a tumor on her brain.

More bad news, she had a hole in her heart.

Her last words to me while she was lucid were, "You're a good kid."

Her last words while her body was shutting down, but her mind was still with us, "I love you."

Her final words to me, "I'm ready to go."

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO N NON OO NO

no...

We tried surgery to remove some of the clots. Afterwards she was brain dead. Only basic functions were going such as breathing and heart beating. I stayed one night with her at the second hospital, listening to my family telling me how bad of a daughter I was because I had gone home a few nights before because my boyfriend had lost his job. What point had there been in staying there? Mom was gone by then. She was gone...Besides, where were they when she was alive? All they did was gripe at her. Never softened it like she needed. They made her feel rotten and I would be there trying to defend them- 'sister is just busy, mom' or 'uncle is only mad because he cares' but it was a lie. I was lying and she knew it. Just like I'm sure she knew I was lying when I said I was okay with letting her go.

So, really, what are you afraid of? I know what I was afraid of.

Hug your parents tonight. Call them and talk to them. Please. If you're on bad terms, if there is a way to repair that then try, if not, then I'm sorry. If you've already gone through this, my deepest condolences go to you, dear ones. It hurts. It hurts a freaking lot, but you are not alone.