So. I don't know where to begin. There's a boy, I guess? There's always a boy. Why is it always a boy? What have they ever done for me besides disappoint me? Whatever. Anyways, so he's nice. And funny, and tall, and cute.
He sits behind my best friend and I in psychology and sometimes we all just talk and it's fun and whatever. I never really publicly "declared" liking him because I just didn't want to tell anyone and draw attention to it, you know? But I just kind of privately thought he was cute and enjoyed talking to him.
But lately I've been noticing these little . . . things, I guess you could call them. Little shifts. It's not like he blatantly ignores me and gives me no time of day, it's just . . . I don't know. Flirting, I guess. They talk and joke and flirt. And I see it and I just can't say anything.
So last night my best friend and I were texting, and we were just chatting and one thing led to another and eventually we started to talk about Him. And she wasn't really giving me a solid answer until finally I just straight up said, "Do you like Pat?"
And she said, "Yeah, more or less."
Part of me wanted to just be honest with her right then and there and say, "Oh, well, I do too." I don't know, maybe we could've worked something out, like agreed that no one gets him and just try and move on to someone else. I don't know.
But a much bigger part of me was like
So I just said, "Oh, I think he likes you too."
It's not a lie. I do think that. I just don't know why I said it. I don't know why I just couldn't be honest with her and stop things before they got too messy and weird.
But it just seems like this always happens. Everyone always thinks she's prettier than me, smarter than me, better than me, friendlier than me. No matter what I do, my best friend does it better. And I just hate it.
I love her so much, don't get me wrong. I don't know what I'd do without her, we've been best friends since we were sophomores. But for once, I just wish someone would pick me first, someone would like me more than her. And I know there are probably people out there who do, but it just doesn't seem like it.
I don't know. I know I should've been honest. Everything just hurts a lot right now. I've been feeling really stressed out with balancing school and work and cheerleading, especially now that I'm competing and have to go to extra long and difficult practices as well as work and keep up with my grades.
I know I'm making dumb excuses, but. I just feel sad. In my chest it just feels heavy and dark and I just keep thinking about having to see them in class every day and just watch it all unfold before me and not be able to do anything about it.
I don't know. I'm just sad.