Happiness

The struggle I've had with Happiness is no secret. We fight back and forth nearly every day never coming to any conclusion, and I can knock incessantly at his door with no reply more than the glimpse I catch as he peeks through the window to see who is there. Happiness is the friend that ignores my frantic pleas and my invites to lunch or coffee. The whole world can see that Happiness and I have had a rough go and our dysfunction is apparent. Nearly every day for the last ten years I've thought of letting go because Happiness might be better off with someone else. I've repressed the thought for years that Happiness deserves someone better than the person I can be. Happiness, I occasionally think, is the one; he'll be here to stay and we can spend eternity together. I so badly want us to mesh together for eternity, but most days I think of breaking it off with Happiness. Most days I think I'm a better mate for Melancholy or Apathy. Happiness has a brightness that I can never match. We're just poorly suited.
It was a shocking revelation when I confessed today that I've battled with Depression for ten years. Most of my life has been clouded by Sorrow when I've been desperately been trying to be in a committed relationship with Happiness. Instead I've spent my time whoring around with Sorrow, Depression, Anger, and a few of their friends. I've maintained a friends with benefits style relationship with Happiness. The kind that you keep up with just so you have someone to fool around with on spring break and summer vacation. Happiness seems so wiling to be monogamous with the rest of the world, but so quick to reject me. Happiness and I are good for a drink every couple months; a good hurrah over the holidays, but nothing more serious. Sorrow has been willing to commit for years, but that would be settling. Melancholy too. Some days I think it would be easy to give myself over to a more interested suitor. I could settle down with Sorrow and have a decent, yet regret filled life. I'm more inclined to keep fighting the tides and chase Happiness, take my chances when he has some free time. My fear is that in fighting for Happiness, I'm dragging myself in deeper with Sorrow. I know he's always there for me after my rendezvous with Happiness. He's always willing to pull me into his arms on the coldest of winter nights and hold me until I fall asleep. Happiness never wants to hold me, only keep me up all night for fear that he'll be gone when I wake. He's flaky. Sorrow is dependable. Sorrow is so deeply in love with me, when I'm so infatuated with Happiness.