What's Going On

Starting to focus more on my looks in a constructive way. I don't like the way I look or present myself and I feel that I need to try to make myself appear as I feel on the inside, or at least in a way that I truly like, in order to feel confident in myself so that I can achieve the things that I want to. I have been dieting for over 2 weeks now and I've done very well. I've started to wear clothes that make me actually look like the person who I want to be.

Been really into old movies lately. I love Vivien Leigh ad Marlon Brando and Malcolm McDowell and Anthony Perkins and Brigitte Bardot and Laurence Olivier and Bela Lugosi. They're so inspiring to me, and I find that I relate to old movies more than new ones. I think that the people are more like real people, and the things that happen are more true to real life as well. And the characters were much cooler and more interesting.

I sat behind this guy in class who I kind of like and think is cute, who I talked to a few weeks ago, and I feel like he thinks I'm creepy and like stalking him because of this. But it was genuinely the best place to sit. I don't know, I get insanely anxious over this stuff for weeks on end. Because of this, I'm never sitting anywhere near him again.

I keep having weird synchronicities with the guy who I've liked for years. For example, the other day I was watching a Q&A video with this lady on youtube, and she was asked for advice with men, and she was talking about how sometimes men just aren't attracted to some women. This made me wonder if this is how the guy I like thinks of me. Then in that very moment, he texts me?? And we hadn't texted each other in days. Then yesterday he asked me if I liked this band who I've been listening to for the past few days, and it's just such a random band that it was really fucking weird that he asked. So last night I had a dream about him, and it was so fucking vivid. Basically we were doing stuff and then we sat down and we were holding hands and we were just about to kiss when I woke up. It felt so real. I don't know what to think of the whole situation with him anymore. I was looking at our astrological compatibility last night and I found out that my sun falls in his 12th house, which is the house of illusions. This makes it so that he doesn't know how to see me clearly, he's confused about me. Which is exactly what it seems like. And I just don't think he's ever going to think he sees me clearly, so I don't think we're ever going to be together. I don't want to be with someone who thinks of me this way anyway.

Also, I have this biology test that I can either take Monday or Tuesday and there's so much shit on it, and I barely understand any of it. My biology teacher is insane. He gives us these tests every 2 weeks with more information on them than a typical midterm or final. It's so stressful.

I've been anemic the past few days as well, and I barely feel like moving. I feel so out of it and strange, really. Like I'm halfway in this dreamlike state all the time. I'm having a really hard time typing and I keep typing words out of order so I apologize if this is horribly written.