Ugh, Too Many Feelings

I feel kind of pathetic.

If you were around in October, you may have seen my blog about breaking up with my boyfriend (now ex, obviously) who I was in a (long distance) relationship with for 2 and a half years. Apparently he had been thinking about ending things for a while before he actually did, so when we broke up I was completely devastated and he seemed fine.

Like he literally didn't seem bothered by it at all.

He was completely calm while he was ending things, while I was trying (and failing) not to cry my eyes out, and it didn't seem to bother him at all afterwards whereas I cried for like 4 days and could hardly listen to music or talk to people. And I realize this is probably because he came to terms with it for the while that he was thinking about ending things, whereas I was kind of just blindsided by the whole thing, but I still would have thought he would react a bit, you know?

Anyways, our 3 year anniversary would have been on Friday (we were one of those couples that got together near Valentine's Day) and so I've been a little bit more emotional thinking about that. Which hasn't really been fun but I was dealing with it. It doesn't help that we still talk all the time, because we were best friends before we started dating and we wanted to stay friends after, we have a bunch of mutual friends and I'm really good friends with his sister. Our lives were pretty intertwined, tbh, and I'm realizing that it makes it super hard to get over someone when that happens.

But anyways, I was dealing with things pretty decently considering the situation, and then I learn today while talking to friends that he had a date on Thursday and I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

This is where the pathetic part comes in, brace yourselves.

Like I understand that we're adults and people have to move on, but it's been 4 months and I'm still not over things. I was only recently able to start listening to The Maine again, despite the fact that they're my favourite band, because the first time I saw them in concert was with him and we listened to a bunch of their albums when we went to Warped Tour a few years ago.

I've just recently been able to talk to our mutual friends for extended periods of time without getting overwhelmingly sad because he introduced me to most of them.

I finally was able to start writing romance and reading cheesy YA books without feeling the need to cry.

And he's going out with some girl named Krista for coffee. Which he didn't actually mention around me because he knows I'm fragile and pathetic.

I just. Ugh. I feel so ridiculous but it bothers me and I hate feeling so pathetic and needy and sad.

*****

I've been super unmotivated to do anything today. I was gonna get up at 7:30am and shower before I had to be on the dialysis unit, but I ended up staying in bed until 8:45 and being a greasy mess. Then I was going to come home and work on this huge assignment that's due on Friday, but I ended up sitting here being a sulking mess instead.

I just want to sleep until Sunday, because it's reading week for me next week so I have nothing to do except work.