New Realizations

I realized that I don't like the guy I always talk about anymore, if I ever truly did. I had a false illusion of him. In reality, he's a snob. He's an elitist.

He said something to me that made me snap out of liking him. He basically spilled his guts the other day, telling me about how he was upset because he didn't wake up early in the morning, and how he had a delusion that when he met the right person he'd automatically know that they were the "one."

And I just realized that he's...immature and stuck up, I guess. Those don't seem like the right words, but basically he's got this idea of exactly the kind of girl he wants, and I don't know what the fuck she's like, but I know I'm not it. And I don't want to be. I don't want to fit somebody's perfectionistic archetype. Besides, nobody ever will.

The only type that I look for is somebody who is sensitive, honest, genuine, intelligent, and basically, a trustworthy, good person; the rest is just superficial shit. I don't care what kind of music someone likes, or what their opinions on specific shit is. All that can change. All that matters is that they're a good person, who I have chemistry with.

Basically, I realized he was too rigid, too closed, too anal retentive. And this is exactly the kind of person I don't like. I can't stand people who are stuck up and judgmental, who have to have everything "perfect" and stress out about details. I like people who are open, wild, who don't care and who like to have fun. People who love everybody, who are positive, or who are at least open to that. And he's just not it.

I realized this before he even said the thing about meeting the one, or whatever. I was watching these Jane's Addiction videos and stuff, and I'm not even really like *in love* with any of the members of that band, but it still made me realize that they were the kinds of men I needed to be with.

I don't even really know how to explain it, but I need a guy who is extroverted, open, unafraid, passionate; but who can also be sensitive and understanding and stuff. I like guys who are manly but feminine at the same time. Basically, I just can't handle restrictive, anal people. I can't stand them, I think it's the absolute worst trait ever to be this judgmental, perfectionist type of person.

Maybe in even describing the kind of man that I want, it may make it seem like I'm the same way as what I'm saying that I hate, but I'm not. The difference is that what I'm looking for is not superficial. The guy who I liked is looking for a girl who looks a certain way, who listens to the Smiths, and probably has the same weird way of thinking as him; probably someone who he feels "safe" with, within his insecurities. Because he just won't let go. What I'm looking for is someone who is uplifting, someone who will make me happy and make me feel free. That's it. I don't care about these superficialities and details.

Hopefully I'm making some sort of sense to whoever's reading this, if anyone.

Honestly, I've just woken up and I can't fall back asleep so I just wanted to write something because it makes me sleepy. And this was the only thing I could think of. But I'm still not tired, so I'll try to think of more.

I texted the friend who I basically stopped talking to after she ignored my text when we were supposed to hang out. It's a long story, but she is another rigid person who I can't be comfortable around. Why am I constantly surrounded by people like this? She didn't text me back, of course. I'm afraid I'm doing something wrong to bring people like this to me. Maybe when I met these people, I put out these anxious vibes so I attracted people like that. I don't think I do anymore, so hopefully that's over.

Anyway, I don't really have time to hang out with her anyway. I have so much schoolwork this semester. If we were to hang out we would probably end up smoking pot and then I wouldn't be able to stop, and my brain would be fucked. And I can't handle that with this biology class I'm taking.

I guess that's all I can think of. Hopefully I can sleep now.
February 12th, 2016 at 12:14pm