I Feel Like I'm Drowning

I don't know what this feeling is, but it needs to stop. I'm in this self-loathing, pity-party rut where I feel alone. I'm not alone, I have friends. And they're good and amazing friends, but I still feel alone...Classes are going well, yet I still get anxious for them every time.

Part of this has to do with the fact that I'm not losing weight despite the fact I'm more active and eating better. Usually eating better. I'm trying to kick my sugar addiction and its roaring its ugly head constantly. But I'm just tired of being fat. I want to look good in clothes and not have to worry about something being too tight. I'm just tired of all this extra shit I'm carrying around.

And my mom...She despises the fact that I'm going to Nashville for my internship this summer and tries to guilt trip me into doing things now. "You're going to Nashville so you have to do this for me. You're leaving me for Nashville so you have to do that for me." I didn't get her anything for Valentine's Day because I don't celebrate it and didn't get anyone anything for Valentine's Day and she got mad and said "well, I'm your mom" when I said that to her. She also found out I stayed at college when I had a long weekend and didn't work. I didn't want to go home; we get in fights a lot.

The next one will seem stupid. Hell, I think its stupid that I'm making such a huge deal out of it. I take my Youtube channel very seriously and I'm someone who wants perfection and to see progress; when I don't see progress, I get really upset. I'm seeing little to no progress in my channel when it comes to gaining followers or people who interact with me. It gets worse when I go to other small Youtubers and they have all these people praising them and commenting and liking their videos. They have other Youtubers who are their friends. I don't. Things would be easier if I had friends on Youtube, but no one seems to really like me there...I think it'd be because videos downright suck, but when your real life friends walk up to you and say "awesome video yesterday! It totally made me laugh/was relatable/etc." then I have to doubt its due to quality of videos.

I'd spend more time reaching out to other Youtubers, but that's the problem--I don't have time. I have school and a job. Plus, I'm writing books and writing scripts and I can't always take the time to go and seek out small Youtubers that flip my switch.

Maybe people who don't know me, just can't seem to like me. Its kinda like here on Mibba. I don't have many friends or followers on here either. No one really reads my stories and when I try to make friends, I feel shunned somehow. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me and I try to look and see and I just don't know...

I feel that way in real life sometimes too. Despite having good friends, I feel like some of them secretly hate me and hate when I talk to them. Perhaps, I'm annoying and don't realize it. I try not to be because that's my worst fear...being annoying. I just feel like I'm losing some people who are very important to me and it makes me want to just sit down and cry all the time.

I don't know why this keeps happening, but I just feel like an ugly, sad piece of life. I hate myself, to put it simply. I think I'm a loser and I don't know why the friends I have even want to hang out with me. I want to be good at something and its not that I don't try. No, I look pathetic as I try my hardest and fail regardless. But I will keep trying because that's how I am. I don't give up easily and I've never stopped fighting. But its a lonely fight.

I better get to studying for my horse production test I have at 10...Later, loves.