What Almost Killed Me...

A little background on my struggle...

When I was seven I was an active girl playing basketball, also was addicted to video games as well. Never really hung out with many people really, because, yes I was put into special needs classes. It's not that I had a mental disability keeping me from learning. I can still and could still learn just the same from everyone else. But it's just my speech I primarily struggled with and needed further help with pronouncing words more than your average child. To this day I can talk perfectly and no one would ever know!:)

I also use to love food. And my family and friends would tell me, the ones who knew me at the time that I was never really overweight and was completely fine.

I didn't see it.

In fact I remember sitting on the bus one day after school (at seven years old) watching as everyone filed on and comparing myself to other girls so much smaller than me. I hated the way I looked so much to the point where I didn't bother talking to anyone about it. Honestly the only thing I had to vent to was my writing, so I kept diaries with me for years and wrote out everything I was feeling. According to my doctor, the only time I was overweight was in middle school because even though I played basketball I wasn't the thinnest and I didn't vent to anyone so I took that out on food and...

...one thing led to another....

At 5foot and 7inches in middle school I was 220 pounds which yes is very overweight. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself more than anything.

My junior year was when people noticed I successfully lost a total of 75 pounds by cutting out junk food, soda, candy, and staying active to keep myself motivated. But even though after 75 pounds lost I still wasn't satisfied, and I suddenly had this mindset set in telling me to lose weight faster. So I listened to that voice and cut back closer and closer to only 700 calories a day, working out for 6 to 7 hours per day after school and on the weekends. I began to isolate myself from friends and family. I began lying about how I ate when really I didn't. My whole mindset was on the scale and what it would tell me each day. Whether I would be good or if I totally screwed up my rituals.

It was terrible by senior year. I hit rock bottom. The lowest the scale went down to was 115 pounds. My family, they were close to terrified and constantly telling me to eat. But I couldn't eat. I was terrified of going back to being overweight again. I didn't want to mess up my "work" and have to start from square one. My doctor then diagnosed me with anorexia.

At the time, I had no clue what an eating disorder was. Honestly I didn't understand anything about any mental illness, so I looked up YouTube videos to figure out more of this "anorexia"...which was stupid thinking of it now.

Doing this was very triggering for me. It made me want to be skinnier because the illness affected me so badly I suddenly felt like the saying, "Skinny is better and I would rather die than be fat" was constantly on replay in my head. I couldn't control it.

I graduated from high school in 2013 and around 2014 when I finished a few semesters of college I began to get obsessed with diet pills and laxatives. I couldn't stop. Along with working out as a way to purge myself as well. I didn't want other girls to be thinner than me and I was so scared of that thought. To me, in my mind, women with "curves" I referred to them as being fat and that I was better because I was skinnier than them. Like the illness made me feel superior and as if I didn't want to recover.

Today,
On Monday the 7th of March 2016 I am 21 now. I'm still the same height and still in recovered from Bulimia and Anorexia. I have never had treatment but I am determined to recover without it. It is possible. As long as I have understanding people along the way I know I can do it. I know I can get through this terrible disease that haunts me every day. I just have to focus. I just have to remind myself of the people in my life who I can count on. I just have to be strong and stay positive.

Don't give up on recovery. You were meant on this Earth for a purpose. You are meant to do great things. You are meant to achieve so much more than getting down to a certain pants size.

Things are gonna get better.

XOXO
-A