At Times of Relapse, Where Do You Turn?

Relapse.

It's something that happens to anyone if you think about it. No matter what you're struggling to clear yourself from. Everyone goes through relapse, the only difference is that relapse is different for every mental illness.

That's what I did last night, unfortunately. I relapsed.

I'm not proud of it, not in the slightest. It's just, I got caught up in the moment and fell into an old habit. You know how hard it is to break a habit? Very...

In my mind I still have thoughts going through my head yelling at me that I am too fat or I am not skinny enough. Yelling at me saying how I'm unattractive. Unworthy of anything. That I will never be happy unless I am skinnier, then I will be prettier. I mean, that's what the media tells us everyday on what beauty is right? That as long as you're skinny you're attractive? Being big or curvy is a sin.

That's my daily thought process.

But you know what I need to switch in my mind. That even in my darkest moment in life, God never left my side. He was there for me when no one else was. He was even there for me when "Ana" and "Mia" controlled me to the point where they had me believing no one would understand me. He was there for me in the background trying to call out that I am worthy. He understands how difficult this deadly illness can be. I know and believe God has a purpose for me. You want to know how I know?

I can still feel He has a purpose for me.
I can't say my words or how I feel out-loud to anyone, it's so hard for me to voice my thoughts. But with writing, the words just flow onto the page...my hands flow over the keyboard as I type. I feel like I can go on and on in my writing and never stop. I can actually feel myself connecting to my inner self before "Ana" took over and made me feel less of myself.

With writing, I am capable.
With writing, I am invincible.

God will always be there for me. I remember something my pastor said to me last week when I was at a terrible breaking point of a relapse.

It was a Saturday and I had just gotten off work at 3:30P.M and planned my day to spend with my boyfriend. But first, I needed to talk to someone who knew me for a longer time. Someone who could really help me. So I said to myself while driving, "God I am not going to question it. Take me where you want me to go."

You know where I ended up?
My church where my pastor was. We talked for about two hours I would say, close to. He mentioned to me when my boss called him to tell him I was in so much pain that he would try and help in any way. And thankfully he did.
He told me as long as I have God in my life I can get through anything. But there will be a challenge. Because I am putting more and more faith into God again, Satan will fight back at me and I have to build up the strength to push him out. Satan and his demons can't control me when God is with me.

Sure I may relapse. But God will forgive me if I really mean it...and I do.