Hello? - Major Life Update

Hello? Is this thing working?

Okay so it is. Well hello everyone. Geez it is so different being back here. I guess everyone can relax now. I'm not dead! Sorry bad joke. But wow I have not posted anything on here in so long and I really have a lot to catch everyone up on, both story-wise and my life in general because so much has happened and it is really hard for me to wrap my brain around everything. Maybe writing it down might help, especially with what I am going through now.

So I guess I should explain why I have been majorly MIA for so long. Well after moving multiple times and starting University last fall I just have not really had the time to sit down and be active on here like I was able to during high school. But with summer coming up, I hope to be a little more active again, this time actually with new stories and ideas I have been working on. I've got new skills under my belt as I am finishing up a creative writing class I took this semester in a few weeks, and have a couple ideas of things that came out of that class that I cannot wait to share with everyone. ^-^

Okay so let's see exactly when the last time I was on here was so I can start from the beginning of when I last went MIA...

Okay so it seems as though the last blog I posted was around November 2014... Holy shit xD geez I have really left everyone out of the loop for over a year. I am genuinely sorry about that. ^-^ Hmm so I guess lets start then shall we?

So in November of 2014 I was still living out in Louisiana after my family had moved there the previous June just after I had graduated high school. I was supposed to have started my first term of college at the community college close to the home I grew up in but plans were changed and I decided to take a year off in between high school and college to make it easier on my parents and myself, and get a job to start saving up money for school. So I was working full time at a McDonald's, which was SOOOOO not fun, definitely one of the worst places to work but I guess it gives newbies the experience. Anyways, I had been working for about 2 months at that point, or well 2 and a half I guess, and I was spending a lot of time talking to friends I met online through video games. I actually became quite a huge part of their community and start speedrunning video games due to it, which I still do today and enjoy every minute of it. Met some really awesome guys and gals, and I have only had the chance to meet a few of them in person but I have made one of my life goals to see each and every one of them since they have had such a major impact on my life. It was also during this time I was starting to get really close to one of those internet friends, who at the time I only knew him by his online name MobBosss, and I really enjoyed talking to him.

Going into December I started getting a pretty big crush on Mob, I did finally find out his name was Ryan, but i was too scared to tell him cause i was so new to getting feelings for anyone that i didn't want to make things awkward between us if he didn't feel the same. But i was still working, still talking to a lot of internet friends and making new ones and i still talk to most of them today so at least that part of my life stayed constant.

Into January of 2015, it was a rough month for me. My grandfather passed away early in the month and since he was back in Florida while we were in Louisiana it was really hard to try to get work situated so i could attend his funeral. I still remember having to go to work the day i found out, as he had passed away late the night before. My mom stayed home from work and my sister took off from school but i just couldn't not show up for work, so it was hard telling my boss what happened and why i wasn't in the best of moods that day. It was really hard but i made it because i had someone talking to me the whole time, keeping me above water. That day, January 15th, i will always remember, because it went from one of the worst days of my life, to one of the best. Ryan had kept me above water at work. He kept texting me all day and was able to keep me from completely breaking down. That night he finally confessed how he felt about me and i told him how i felt about him and he asked me out and i said yes. Telling my best friend was so nice and she was super excited for me. A little over a week later we went to my grandpa's funereal, after a nine hour drive the day before to get to Florida, and Ryan was the most supportive thing. He was there for me as i was constantly breaking down. I still miss my grandpa dearly but time had to go on. And at the end of the month, i had a really big scare. One of my closer internet friends was on the verge of wanting to commit suicide and so i was there trying to talk to him, to help him and i near broke, though that would not be the last time i would break, and it was hard, but i was talking to Ryan while messaging my friend. My friend is still here, i have a story to tell about him as we get further along, but onto February.

February was a pretty solid month. Spent my first Valentine's Day in a relationship with Ryan. Although we were long distance, he surprised me that morning with a beautiful poem that made me start crying. I drew him a card and sent it over Skype and also wrote a parody of a song to make it about our minecraft characters cause that was one of the things we enjoyed doing together, it was really sweet. It was also then that i found out my dad had gotten another new job and so we were moving back to Florida, not to our old house, but to an area further south, which i was completely okay with. I was super excited to be going back to Florida to be closer to friends i had to leave after high school and just to feel like i was more at home. So the weekend my parents were in Florida searching for a house to rent, I actually met up with two really awesome guys i had started talking to in July who actually lived just a bit away from where we were living at the time. I got to meet Jordan, online name KillaDrone, and Michael, online name FlaredApollo, and Kayla, Jordan's girlfriend. Funny thing was, we met at the Walmart like 15mins away from the house my family was living in at the time. Was really cool finally getting to meet a couple of the internet friends i had made, and i still am pretty close to them, and might be seeing them again in about a month.

March started hectic but i guess it wasn't too horrible, well unless you consider the constant yelling from my dad which only got worse over the next few months. But things continued to be great for Ryan and I. There was a convention coming up in July, just shortly after both of our birthdays that we were planning on going to so we could finally get to meet, as the convention would have been just before our six-month. I really enjoyed talking to him and to his friends that he introduced me too, especially Gunner. One major thing i kinda forgot to mention... Ryan was a major brony, and that is fine as i am too xD but when the new episodes of the new season started airing we would be watching them at the same time and would either be texting or on Skype while watching them which was really sweet. ^-^ at the end of March i seriously was looking for a job as my parents were really starting to get on my case about that. OH and also i got re-accepted into my dream university and even got a partial scholarship to attend so i was planning to start in the fall and had to attend the honors orientation the next month.

The job search came to a end at the beginning of April as a new Dairy Queen was opening about 10mins from our house and they had open interviews one day. I went and i was hired due to having previous experience in fast food (so i guess McDonald's isn't horrible i guess) even though i would have to quit at the beginning of August so i could move to my University. But anyway, i started working there part time and it was really nice. The pay increase was certainly appreciated. I only made $7.25 an hour in Louisiana. When i started at Dairy Queen i was making $8.05 an hour. THAT is a major difference on pay checks xD I eventually was starting to work full time at Dairy Queen but they did start to cut back on my hours as it got closer to the middle of May... but i'll come back to that. One of the weekends in April, i cannot remember which one since it was about a year ago, i went to my honors orientation at my Uni. My dad drove me to my grandma's which was just about an hour away from the Uni, as since the honors orientation was taking place so early there was not somewhere we could stay overnight so my dad figured it would be easier for me to only have to drive just over an hour instead of 3 and a half in the morning to get there on time. And it was much easier, plus my dad got to spend time with his mom and grandma while i was at my orientation. I was constantly messaging Ryan during it, cause i was so excited to be getting ready to start the next chapter of my life and he was happy for me. The orientation went well. Was reminded of what i initially fell in love with, got my classes set up, things like that. It was a great weekend ^-^

Into May. This month is a little hazy. I don't remember as much, other than i started working a second job at a Sam's Club (getting paid $9.50 an hour O_o) as my hours were getting less and less at Dairy Queen. I didn't mind working both jobs, plus all the extra money was really nice. Nothing else major stands out from that month.

Now onto June. This was where everything started to get really bad... things were getting really, really tense with my dad. He was constantly stressed with work and brought that stress home. He would yell at me constantly, even when i know for sure i did nothing wrong from my perspective but it was really wrong in his eyes. And just before our five-months, Ryan text dumped me, saying that "he wasn't happy anymore and the long distance was too hard for him." Now i will say this right now, i always swore i would NEVER contemplate suicide or self-harm even if it got really bad, because i knew just how bad it hurt those around you. Well, i did contemplate it. The night he broke it off was also a night my dad had pretty much screamed at me. I felt so empty and broken inside, i wanted the pain to stop. It took me so much to stop crying, i almost even went into the bathroom to find something, ANYTHING, i could use to stop the pain, but i refrained. I did have a hair-tie on my nightstand that i slipped around my wrist and started slapping it. I made my arm go numb that night... The next few days were horrible, as i had no one to really talk to about the break-up. I hadn't told my parents because i knew they wouldn't trust some guy i had met over the internet so i kept quiet about it. Not even a couple days after our breakup, i saw that Ryan was already with another girl and i almost lost it again, that was the second night i made my arm go numb. One positive about that month though, i bought my ticket to a convention and was planning my work schedules around it so i could go and it was approved. (yes it was to the convention that Ryan and i were planning on meeting up at, but i had already planned all this, i was not going to let what happened between us prevent me from going to something i really wanted to go to, and besides he didn't attend anyway so he was out a couple hundred dollars. serves him right)

July got both better and worse, though more worse than better. Things just kept spiraling downwards with my dad and it was hard for me to function some days due to the lack of sleep i was getting because i stayed awake so late at night crying cause of everything i was going through. My 19th birthday rolled around. I had to work for 4 hours on my birthday sadly, but i went shopping the following week with my mom when we both had a day off, which was pretty nice. But it was that following weekend, July 10th-12th, that will FOREVER be the one thing i remember from 2015, was when i finally got to attend my convention. It was being held in a hotel about a half hour from our house so i drove there and back home all three days. It was the Grand Galloping Brony Gala, and it was the first ever convention i had ever attended. All the panels and signings i attended, the music and merchandise everywhere, the people i met, and just the entire atmosphere will always stick with me. I got to meet John De Lancie, Daniel Ingram, Dave Polsky, Claire Corlett, and her father Ian James Corlett (who i found out would be voicing the main character of the movie adaptation of one of my FAVORITE VIDEO GAMES EVER) so i was super excited. I spent so much money that weekend on merchandise but i don't care. it was all worth it. Both of my jobs were going okay, i guess, i don't remember them that well cause i try to block out most of that month.

Now August, that was when things started getting better. I was down to the last couple of weeks of work before i moved into my dorm and i think it finally dawned on my dad that i was going to be out of the house for a while, so he still yelled at me, but it wasn't as bad. I got all set up for University, and the second week of August i drove up to my grandma's house the day before i was to move into my dorm early for the Honors Retreat, and i spent that day with my best friend (i had been best friends with her since 6th grade) and it was so nice for things to go back to a sense of it becoming better. Later that night my mom had showed up at my grandma's cause she was going to help me move into my dorm. I had said my goodbyes to my dad and little sister. Hearing my dad say he was so proud of me even after everything that happened over the summer gave me hope that things might end up okay between me and him. And still to this day i miss my little sister like crazy, no matter how often i talk to her. I was still not completely over Ryan at this point, but i was a lot closer to a lot of my friends i had known for almost a year at this point and had gotten to meet new ones along the way so some days it was easy to forget him. Got all moved into my dorm and my gosh was it hard to say goodbye to my mom. I still try to keep in touch with her but with our schedules as busy as they are, i only get to talk to any of my family at certain points. The honors retreat was so cool, got us introduced to campus and let us experience the college life a bit before we technically started the fall semester. That weekend i got to meet one of my closest girl friends that i met over the internet as she only lived about ten minutes from my uni and i still hang out with her constantly (she was actually over earlier today actually xD). And the following weekend i got to meet one of my guy friends, the one who back in January i helped. Was really cool to meet him, though it was a little awkward cause the entire time i wanted to hug him but he was so tall it was awkward. I did hug him before he parted ways though.

September through mid-December i was super busy with University work. Had a full course load and was trying to balance that with a somewhat decent social life. It was during this time that i finally got over Ryan, had my heart broken by another close friend (though i am still close to him now, but more as a younger brother now), and met another guy that i was starting to feel close to. Mid-December was when winter break started and going home for those three weeks was so nice. Spent so much time with my little sister and it made me realize how much i missed constantly having her around. Things seemed to be better between me and my dad which i was grateful for, and i do have to admit, my parents got me quite some good Christmas gifts, they know me well. Oh and i talked another friend out of suicide in late November, why is it that everyone kept turning to me for that?

January 2016, starting into my spring term(which i am almost finished with now) the guy i had been getting close to got a little distance and it was hard to talk to him, but i couldn't let another guy break my heart. I focused on myself and my classes and have been really productive this semester. Things are winding down now and i'm very proud of what i have done.

Now i guess i am going to get into why i originally wanted to write this blog. I need to get this off my chest (and also find a way to put it into words so i can explain it to my 'twin').

It was late January, one of my friends i had made had just broken up with his girlfriend of many, many years. His name is Luke, online name NinjasInCarpets (although he doesn't really like to be called Luke. He is gender fluid and really enjoys his girl side more so he prefers friends to call him Emily, which is fine with me). He was having a really hard time with the break-up and needed someone to talk to so he could stay above water. I volunteered to be that someone, since i really enjoy talking to him and i always love being there to help friends. At first it was hard, he was always depressed, kept talking about his ex and everything they did and how much he wanted her back. I was there as a support for him, cause that was all i could do, with him being hundreds and hundreds of miles away, because he lives in Wales. But as i talked to him, and was there for him everyday, i could feel myself start to like him. He even confessed to me a couple weeks after we started talking more that he really liked me but he didn't want it to seem like he was rebounding off his ex to be with me. I understood that, i told him i really liked him too and so we agreed to sort of be in an 'open relationship' as we were both very, very weary of long distance but still wanted to be close and be there for each other. So that is what we did. And i could feel myself falling more and more in love with him every day. He slowly got a little better. He was able to sound happy and we started talking more like a couple and even started... umm... maybe i shouldn't go into that... it's a little embarrassing. Anyways we were super close and he told me multiple times if i didn't live so far away, we probably would have been dating right away. I understood that. I was in love with him, but was just as weary of long distance as he was. Here lately we have gotten even closer. He got depressed again, but i was able to bring him back to normal. He even wanted to start telling people about how close we were. I was ecstatic, we were one step closer to possibly being together, which was something i was hoping, dreaming, praying for.

Well, last night he kind of crushed that hope. He made me realize just how slim of a chance it was that we would ever end up together and 'broke up' with me. I could have handled that, i don't mind just being really close friends, cause that is all we are right now. But when i told him i loved him, because we do that since we both do, he told me i would need to get used to not saying it, in case he ended up with someone cause it would look bad if there were messages from me saying love you if he was in a relationship. That was when i lost it. I broke again. I had let him into my heart after it had been broken so many times, and he had a much larger part of it than anyone else cause i knew i was truly in love with him, i felt comfortable with him, and saying 'I love you' to him felt right, felt as natural as breathing. To hear him say that, it was like a huge slap to the face. I was broken again and he couldn't help me this time like he had before since he had caused it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but it pains me to know i won't be able to say 'I love you' to him any time i want to. What made it both worse and better was he told me he would always love me and i would always be his princess. But i just don't know what to do. I want to be there for him, i want him to be happy, but i want him to be happy with me. If i could i would up and move to Wales right now so i could be close to him and we could actually give us a shot. But i can't. And i'm just left empty inside knowing i probably will never get to be with the person i love most. It hurts so much.

I needed to get that out. It is hard to word it and i'm on the verge of tears right now, but i needed to get it out.

Anyways, I think this blog is getting long enough xD i will be back soon guys, might post a short story or a poem every here and there soon, but summer should be when i pick back up again. I will probably do a major rehaul of my old stories, edit them, make them better, so be on the lookout for them.

This is Dani, aka Butters, signing off.