Things Happen

Its been two years.

Two years.

That's a long ass time. I look back at how things were in freshmen year, how some things were so simple and nice. It was a good time. I miss it. I miss my friends, hanging out with them everyday. I miss hugs too, and this is coming from someone who's got quite the no touchy thing going on. I miss sitting in the library computer lab, holding my hand over my mouth to keep quite because i'm laughing so hard. I miss leaning over and pointing out something on my friends screen that makes them chuckle and roll their eyes while I lose it. I miss pointing out each others nerdy shirts. I miss switching jackets. I miss silly nicknames that no one else gets.

I miss the rougher things too. I miss seeing something is wrong and asking about it. I miss the long talks that would follow. I miss talking about family, the good and bad. I miss getting so into our words one of us tears up because our stupid emotions. I miss talking about the future like its a blank magical storybook and we just got handed the pen. I miss a lot.

I'm a bitch. i know I am. And I'm not saying this in a way that means "oh back up fuckers, i'm tough as shit." No. I mean like a low key bitch. The kind that sees a text, knows its there, and my brain just refuses to answer for some reason, Five minutes. Ten. Twenty. An hour. Two. After dinner. In the morning. After breakfast. On and on. I've always been like this in a way, but for the last year its just gotten worse and worse. I know i'm losing people, it hits me sometimes and makes me tear up and hate myself. But in the end I simply continue. Its like the thoughtful side of my head has shut down. I move through life as simple as possible. Work, eat, sleep, bed. I find myself not caring about much anymore.

It used to scare me. Now it doesn't. I'm just drifting now. Through life, just endless drifting. Am I depressed? No, I don't think so. I can still be happy sometimes, so no, i'm not depressed. But yet everything just feels so fake. Words, actions, thoughts. Everybody just seems so naive and transparent. So many things seem irrelevant.

I miss when things mattered.