Can You Guys Come and Dr. Phil for Me Please?

Hi Mibs.

I know, this is kind of weird, when's the last time I was active on this site? (spoiler alert: it's actually forever) so I don't know, it's kind of weird writing this? I hope there's still someone out there, ahaha. I just, I have a lot of Feelings and Emotions at the moment, and no where to really... put it?

SO OBVIOUSLY I GO TO THE INTERNET. that is how I deal with my problems. telling strangers. and hoping for a free dr.phil session.

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE. I AM NOT ONLY AN ASSHOLE. BUT AN ASSHOLE WITH A LOT OF FEELINGS. do with that what you will.

(i would love you forever if so)

Mostly because it's something that I can't talk to my closest friends and boyfriend about, because I already know their answer? and it's probably the right answer, but also, see: Feelings and Emotions.

Wow look at my vague ass let's get into it.

I had a best friend, once upon a time. Our friendship lasted about four years. First year was honeymoon period, we were literally attached at the hip, people would be confused when they saw one of us alone. And she was one of the closest people to me in my entire life. I loved her, I would do anything for her, I put her #1 no questions asked.

Then, some things happened, and she went through some things, and we drifted apart a bit. It was touch and go for a bit, but then she was back and we were 100% best friends. And then we weren't. And the next 3 years would be 0 to 100 to 0 REAL QUICK. sometimes I wouldn't hear from her for months, and then she would come back saying she missed me and etc and I would just back in headfirst because this was my best friend and I was always going to be there and etc.

And our friendship had clear Boundaries, and a lot of the time she wouldn't let me in to a lot of parts in her life, or show me just a glimpse, but I never asked further. I just was in her life in the ways she would let me. And that was okay for me. Because she was my best friend.

Around October/November, she found out that I was hanging out with some of our old friends every once in a while, and I hadn't told her, not maliciously, but she was very hurt by this. I thought it would be the usual of me screwing something up, her getting angry, me crying and apologizing, a few days of silence and then we pretended it never happened.

Accept it didn't. And she cut me off. And I was Emotionally Devestated.

There was a lot of crying, a lot of feeling shitty, a lot of just you know, Being A Mess. Which is why my closest friends and especially my boyfriend, they're wary of her. They had to deal with my sobbing ass. They got a first hand account of how crushed I was that she had so coldly, over a text message, just cut me off.

The first couple months were especially hard when I saw her, I would be immediately brought to the brink of tears. Sitting on the bus like an asshole trying not to throw up. Trying like hell to move on, because she clearly had, and I was being An Emotional Asshole to myself and clinging.

But as the months went by, it got easier. I had those emotional pangs less. I'd still miss her, sometimes, but those moments became far between. I had let go of the anger, and the sadness, and just moved on.

Then she texted me, out of the blue, about a month ago. Asking if I was okay. Boyfriend was in the room, and he was very Unimpressed. He didn't want me to text back, but I did, just saying that I was good, hope she was too. She responded that she was, and I dropped the conversation.

THEN, at the beginning of the week, it was 2AM and I was being a la Emotional Asshole as I can be sometimes, and I knew I was moving to Toronto for a 4-month internship, so I sat down, and I wrote a letter. A long ass letter. About how she'd hurt me, how our friendship meant so much to me and she had crushed me, and that regardless, I'm writing this to say that despite how coldly we ended, I hope that in a decade we can look back and see that we were best friends at one point, and that was special. Emotional Bullshit. You know. And I woke up and sent it to her.

That was supposed to be the end. I said in the note that I was writing it for cathartic reasons, that it didn't warrant a response. It was just for me, to sort of hit the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.

Well, I get a text message yesterday. Its her, saying that she read my letter and she's crying, she's sorry, she was hurting too, everything's weird now, and she hopes I'm in a good place. And her door's open anytime.

I texted her that I'd like to meetup this weekend, to hash out our feelings, and she said she's busy. Which, understandable. I said I'm leaving on Sunday, and she wished me good luck, talk to me soon.

And now it's the next day. We haven't said anything. I'm just???

There's a part of me that wants to dive in head-first like I always did. Because there's still a very real part of me that wants that friendship back, that just wants to be best friends with her again. We were ridiculously close, okay? And I know a lot of people don't get it, but like, I thought we were actually going to be in some part of each other's lives forever. Maid of honour type of deal. Our friendship was one of the best things in my life.

But another part of me is like ??? we've done this, gabby. she comes back, says she misses you, and then you're left alone and emotionally devestated again. I've had to accept our friendship was over multiple times, and it doesn't get any easier, I might add. Everytime I'm a sobbing wreck.

My friends are of the second nature, they don't like her which doesn't help. My boyfriend's on a hiking trip but I know what he's going to say when he comes back.

But I'm staring at my phone and I'm like do I text her? Say something? Wait for her to say something? Be aware that she might've just read the letter, felt emotional, texted me, and then woke up the next day and realized that she didn't care anymore?

??? i don't know. that's why i'm asking you. i don't know what to do.

DR.PHIL ME MIBBA. please.