I Wish I Could Call You...

So I'm going to write this instead of actually calling him. I'm sure he would answer if I did but it's not time yet.

I've been sad for days, basically nonstop crying. But today was a good day. Autumn and I went to the beach. We played in the water. God I can still feel the waves crashing against me. Nothing feels as good as that, maybe kissing you. I know I shouldn't tell you that. Just pretend I didn't haha. The water was so cold but it still felt to fucking good. I'm really trying to give you the space to get over me, if you think that's really going to work. I just really wanted to tell you about my day. It was a good day. Everyday I want to tell you about my day but more so on good ones. I want you to hear the smile in my voice while I laugh about how I got sun burnt even after making sure we got sun screen, I always forget to put it on. I want you to know that I'm going to be okay, even while this is still hurting so bad. I want you to know that I'm still your friend when you're ready for me to be that. I know you think I hate you, but honestly, I could never ever hate you. I keep trying to be mad but I'm just worried about you, about that new girl hurting you.
But mostly I just wanted to tell you about the beach and that it was a really good day. I hope you had a good day too, one where you weren't with her. I hope you want to call me as bad as I want to call you. I think you do, wishful thinking maybe. I just miss you right now. You can't really blame me, we basically talked nonstop for months. You were the person I told my day to and now you're just not there and its empty where you were and today it's really clear. I miss you right now so much. I'm not going to cry, its a different kind of hurt, or maybe not hurt, just emptiness.

I love you. I know I shouldn't say it, it probably doesn't make you feel better but I do love you, friend or more. I'm always going to love whatever you choose to be in my life. Never forget that, on those nights when you tell yourself that you suck and I hate you think about this. Know I will never hate you. And I will always be there when you need me.

Good night...