When I was in 5th grade, during out Christmas vacation from school, one night my mom came into my brother's room to say good night to us, and she found his hand down my pants. So, I guess, I was molested when I was 11 years old. It nearly tore my family apart. My mother nearly beat my brother to death that night and had to have my grandpa pull her off of my brother or she might have. I only learned about that a few months later after stuff had already started snowballing out of control.
Before Christmas vacation, I was pretty much a straight A student because that's where I thought my mom would be proud of me. I have always looked for her approval, but have barely ever gotten it. Well after the incident everything changed. I stopped doing my homework; when my teacher would send notes to my mom I would say she didn't sign them, when I never showed her. So finally my teacher had a conference with my mom and my mom told her what was going on. So, being someone of the school system, and good at her job, my teacher told my school counselor. She brought me into her room and we talked. I don't remember what was said but I do remember that when I came home from school that day my brother was not at home. My grandparents where FURIOUS at my mom for telling someone, outside of our household, what happened. And with her telling someone outside of our household, my brother was picked up by the police and taking to the juvenile detention center.
My life during that time is a blur. I do know that my mother told my best friend's mom what happened, and they were there for us. I also know that my brother was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time. We weren't allowed any contact and we were all going to counseling. Well, my mom, brother and I were going. I remember, in order to catch up in school, I would sit outside in one of the desks working, and so would another kid. We never talked about why either of us were there, but I do know that all my classmates were wondering why I was out there too because the other kid was one that acted up a lot. They couldn't believe that the goodie-two-shoes was in trouble.
I don't remember that summer in between 5th and 6th grade much except that I went to my counselor every Thursday. I do remember that my grandma tried to get me to talk to my brother on the phone and I wouldn't because I wasn't allowed. I didn't like that she was going against what the courts said, granted I had no idea what was said because I wasn't in the courtroom, but that's what my mother said. I also remember that my brother had to do community service and he ate some poison ivy and got it all over his arm. Besides that I really don't remember much of anything during that time.
6th grade rolls around and I am in middle school. My brother has entered high school, but in a different city because he still lived with my Aunt and Uncle. There are only three things I really remember from 6th grade. One being that my brother played football in the city he lived in and my grandma made me go to his game/scrimmage when his team played the team in my city. I wasn’t supposed to have ANY contact with my brother whatsoever and she just completely disregarded that fact. I didn’t feel comfortable being there, hell I don’t even like football and never have. My mom was furious when she found out that my grandma made me meet here there. The other two things I remember was spraining both my wrists that year. The first being in the fall, at church; I was just walking around after church and tripped over the carpet. I was with one of my friends family’s because my mom decided to go to church with my brother that morning. They called her and took me to the hospital. It was my right hand, and it really sucked because I am right handed. Also sucked because the following Friday my school team was going bowling and I had to bowl with my left hand. The 2nd time I sprained my wrist was in the middle of winter. It was spirit week and we had had 3 snow days, and I still dressed up for the spirit day when we came back. I remember being in a skirt and heels and running late so I was almost running to get to where I needed to go. It was wet because of the melted snow and I fell and sprained my left wrist. Besides that I don’t remember anything else about 6th grade.
To finish counseling, my brother had to write an apology letter to me, to my mom, to my grandparents and to my Aunt and Uncle. The only thing I remember about those letters is that he took the blame for everything and told me that he had told me not to tell anyone or else I would get in trouble too. (Not sure if anyone knows this but it was going on for at least 7 or 8 months before my mom found out.) I honestly can’t remember anything else from that, or my own counseling sessions, but I do remember counting how many times I had moved in my life. I also remember wondering why my mom and brother could go to the same counselor but I was the one that had to a completely different one. It didn’t make any sense to me and still makes me wonder to this day. Especially since I was going to a counselor in the city my brother now lived in, and he was going to one in the city I lived in. It made no sense but it is what it is.
In order to finish MY counseling I had to go to a 4 week class about young women and respecting themselves. I also had to forgive my brother for doing what he did, and I did. At this time we were in the middle of packing things because we were moving. My brother didn’t want to go back to the city we were in because rumors were going around his grade about what happened to him. We could finally live together as a family again and my mom’s work was doing a thing that if you moved within a certain rang of the place you could get a bonus. So we moved and became a family again. But we couldn’t go to the same church I was going to anymore because they wouldn’t accept my brother back because of what had done.
Now fast forward to 2014, I’m out of school, and have a one year old son. My brother is married and has a one year old daughter. His wife knows what happened (I don’t know how MUCH she knows), my uncle has passed away. The only person who doesn’t know what happened is my cousin who is 3 years younger than me. My Uncle only got her every other weekend and Wednesday, when my brother was living with him. In 2014 my cousin is out of her first year of college, and invites me over to her house. I go and her and her mom sit me down and tell me that she has been going to counseling for the last half of her year because of some memory she had. She remembers a time when my brother and her were playing house, acting like Ross and Rachel from FRIENDS, and she remembers him kissing her. That’s all. Nothing else happened, it was just a kiss. Well I guess she wanted to know if it was true, so my Aunt and Mom had lunch with her and her mom and they all talked about it. Mind you, I have been over what happened for 11, almost 12 years. And then all of a sudden it’s brought up again.
Well my cousin couldn’t handle it. She wrote my brother a really nasty letter saying how disgusting she things he is and all sorts of things (mind you we all had a good relationship before this memory came up. She was even in his wedding.) So also wrote my grandparents a nasty letter saying how she felt they were only looking out for my brother and that they have lost the last living reminder of their son, my Uncle who passed away in 2011.
Her and I still had a good relationship until one day she asked me what my brother has been saying about her and I told her that I wasn’t picking sides. I was going to be in her life and my brother’s life. And that I wasn’t going to tell her what he was saying or tell him what she was saying. That’s not who I am, that’s not who I’ve ever been. I kind of had an attitude because of work but I was just annoyed that she would have the audacity to even ask me something like that. And after that our relationship went down the hole. We still talk, yes but not like we used to. We used to be best friends after her father died but we lost that.
So two years go by and nothing really happens. We’re now in 2016 and for the first time in about a year and a half (almost two years) my brother asked me over Mother’s Day weekend if I posted pictures of his daughter so that my cousin can see. I said no because it’s not my place. I was really annoyed that he would even ask me such a thing, but I let it go so nothing happened over that weekend. Well last week I got a call from my brother asking if my cousin is by him. I said yes, that she is on vacation with her best friend’s family and asked him why. He wanted to know because she showed up at his wife’s work and made her feel uncomfortable because she made eye contact. It’s not like she knew where my sister-in-law worked, it’s not like she made a scene. As she did was make eye contact and it pisses me off that I was contacted. I had no reason to be contacted and I don’t want to keep reliving what happened in the past. I have made peace with what happened, and it has made me who I am today so I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am just sick of being put in the middle of things that I have no control over and that I shouldn’t be in the middle of. It is between them, I am not a part of it. I know that there are things I can’t remember, probably because I don’t want to, but I don’t care because I am 24, almost 25 years old, I have 2 kids and I don’t need to worry about the past.
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