I Know What I Have to Do

I know no one reads this but I just need to tell someone I have no friends anymore so I just have mibba. I saw his phone this morning while he was sleeping and he had a message from a girl she was telling him if he slept and smiley faces and she messaged him ok kik . You don't need kik unless your messing around you know that's how I see it . I don't think this relationship will get better and not because I don't trust him but because he makes it impossible to trust how do I trust him when he locks his phone and goes on kik and deletes me from Facebook and snapchat whenever he gets mad at me he's acting like a child and it's slowly ruining me . Some days r better then other but he has no job or going to school and he is depressed I can see it he hs a history with that just like I do and I think two people who are together and have a history with that aren't good for each other . When I see the messages of him talking to other girls he seems happy talking to them and I always think he's heating because he did for a long time without me knowing and I feel stupid for not seeing it so know I'm just paranoid and that's no way to live but I'm scared to let him go because he needs help to cope but he won't let me help him . I don't even feel like his girlfriend . Tell me does it seem like he is seeing others he talks to them he hides it and he thinks that is okay but it's not . I cheated once to but only once and I hate myself for it but he cheated on me for months out of revenge and he enjoyed it I didn't I forgave him and he didn't . He brings up all the bad things I did in the past I don't know how to love someone when everyone I've liked have hurt me in so many ways . Therapy might help I haven't gotten I did go but didn't go back and I know I should . I know what I have to do but I can't and I hate when people tell me the truth about him . I sometimes get scared that maybe he is cheating and I will catch something I'm ok I've gotten checked but u never know . He uses me and I let him and I don't know if I should keep trying to fix us and him or just stop . It's affecting my life and my job and I'm stressed and I keep getting sick and I think it's because I'm stressed . I need to know if there's anyone out there who was in this position and what did you do did u keep trying or did u stop .