From My Past

Recently someone from my past, someone who hurt me a lot many years ago, has popped back into my life. When I knew him I was this naive little girl, who had never really had much bad happen to her and who was in love for the very first time. It took me a very long time to recover from this man, who shattered my young fragile heart into a million pieces. But I have. Ive grown into a fairly successful woman. Ive finished school, become a nurse, bought my first house, and met a man who is everything I could want, who treats me like a princess.
But now this other man from my past has contacted me, and I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling, how I should feel. I don't hold any hate for him any longer, nor love. But i still remember how I used to feel. I was so in love with him, so furious with him, so hurt and so wounded by him.
I feel such a need to express what I'm feeling to someone, anyone. But everyone i know that knew him would just shut me down. Your friends and family do not forget what people have done to you. If they knew I had gotten coffee with this man who hurt me so much, they would be upset. I cant talk to them about this need I had to show him that he didn't break me. That I'm healthy and in a good place. That I've made something of myself despite what he put me through. I suppose that is why i am returning to this website that was such an outlet for me during that time in my life when i knew this man. None of you know me, maybe no one will ever read this, so it is a safe place for me to dump what I'm feeling.
So I agreed to meet with him. I had no idea what he wanted. Maybe he had some kind of STD and he was contacting all of his past lovers (I knew i had nothing, i have been tested since), maybe he was single again and remembered how much of a catch i was (not that I would ever ruin what i have now for a man who did what he did to me all of those years ago). I didn't know what he wanted, I am still not sure. So i'm driving to meet him, and the whole time I'm squirming with anxiety. My fight or flight response is activated and I just want to turn around and forget that I agreed to this. I'm thinking, what on earth is making me want to meet this man again? But i did meet him.

Maybe ill continue this story at another time, I'm not sure. But it has felt good to get this off of my chest.