After All These Years

Mibba where do I even begin? Family is important to me. It hasn't always been. My dad left me when I was five. Came back and left me again when I was ten. My mom died when I was sixteen. Uncles when I was eighteen. And finally, grandma died when I was nineteen. So, I have lost majority of my family. Pretty much a whole generation died. I have my cousins left and I would be lying if I said some days I don't ache to see them. The pain is so strong sometimes I can feel it tingling down to my wrists.

But day before yesterday I got a message. My cousin Angel wanted me to call her. First reaction was, "Great, who died?" May be morbid but that's usually what I think. We don't talk much other than that. After everyone died we lost contact with each other.

Anyway, what she wanted to tell me is that she now works wih my dad and brother. Like, what are the chances? Small state. Small world. I don't know why but I told her next time she sees him to tell him I don't hate him or anythig. And I don't.

For a long time I resented him and for a long time I wondered why. Why wasn't I wanted. Why me. And then mom died and I resented him even more. I had this glimmer of hope that he'd show up to comfort me. Some days I'd imagin telling him off. That all I needed was mom and just because she's gone doesn't mean I need him. Other days it was a bittersweet reunion. Now I might have that chance.

I have his number. I'm scared to call. It's been so long... and he's now religious. I don't want to ruin whatever image he has of me. But I'm not holding my breath, either. He's left me numerous times.

It's like I'm at war with myself. Is it alright to be some what excited? Part of me says why bother... hes had so many years to make contact. Why now? Man, His plans make no sense to me. But I'll walk the path with my head held high...idk.
July 4th, 2016 at 09:38am