Early Morning Ramblings

I don't think you ever forget the touch of past lovers, the way your heart used to soar at just the thought of them. You can't erase the feeling of their hands on you, how it felt to be held and hugged. To laugh and cry with them. You remember both the good and the bad things, but the bad sometimes make the good only seem sweeter and more sad. Sometimes you don't think of them for months or years, and sometimes so much in a week that it spins your head.
You can be happy with someone else or along and still think back with sad fondness despite your current attachments. And sometimes, you can't stop regretting leaving that person and breaking their heart, and that thought shatters your own. You think that maybe they would have wiped away the tears that you're crying now but you'll never know because you don't see them anymore, don't talk to them. That can be the worst feeling in the world when you have something you need to talk about and you think how they used to be the perfect person to go to because they listened and made everything all better. You could spend hours having serious conversations or talk about nothing at all and it was perfect the entire time so long as you were with them.
An entire chunk of your life and of yourself that you gave to that person is gone now and it's never coming back. Piece of yourself given away a bit at a time, nights and days that belong to them now because you were more than happy to give it to them. But they can never quite erase you either. You're stuck on their heart just as much as they are on yours, or so you hope. And you wonder if they hate you right now, rightfully so in some cases, or if they sometimes think of you just like you're thinking of them and wish they could go back in time to, if not stay together, at least make the parting less painful. It felt like death then, and it still hurts now whether you think of them for a day or just a split second.
You miss them, miss everything about them even though when you left it was because you needed to, and you regret the things you said and how the relationship ended and ending it in the first place. You regret a lot of things that caused the relationship to end. So many regrets are living inside you now, stacked on top of one another just so they can all make room for each other. You compare their touch to the new ones you feel, and it can start to feel like a betrayal or it can just make you sit and think of what could have been had you stay together and how blissful it felt while you were. How life would have been had you or them not ended everything you two used to have. It was good, then it was awful, but neither really tried to fix it or one person tried too hard and the other not at all and now the regret will never leave, just like the feeling of their touch in your skin and their love on your heart.
July 4th, 2016 at 02:21pm