Sometimes things go into my mind that I can’t get rid of, not sure if that makes me crazy or if it just makes me human. Sometimes reality just seems like the most complicated thing in the world, something I can’t shake off, I want to step into a fantasy land because than at least in my imaginations I’m happy, I am doing what I wanna do in life and that’s good enough for me. But than I wake up from this harsh dream and realize I will most likely never got to do the things I’m dying to do, or get rid of the toxic people in my life because I fear loneliness, which has become a new fear of mine. As much as I wanna be positive about things like this, lately my positivity went down the drain, all because of one person.
I had a best friend (had). Obviously that means not anymore. I know what you’re thinking, why I put so much time and effort talking about someone who has done me wrong more times than I can count in my lifetime. Why would I want to remain friends with someone that stopped caring about me, even though I poured blood, sweat, and tears into making the friendship work. I’m not perfect in any way, and I’m not gonna sit here and say I’ve made the greatest choices when it came to our friendship, but never would I ever stoop to the level she has reached, and downgrade so drastically that she herself changed into someone I don’t even recognize anymore, but in many ways I blamed myself. My mind hit “HELP” mode. From the moment we met I made it a choice to get her away from all the shitty people she had in her life, so she wouldn’t fall into the same shitty ass path that they were headed down, those were the people she was used to being around, she wasn’t used to being around people who actually cared about how she felt, she never really had people who cared so deeply for her, who’d set the world on fire for her if she asked, that was me, so for this to happen really just boggles my mind. I’ve never been through this type of pain when it came to losing a friend, and I’ve lost friends before, that was their own choice to leave, for their own dumb reasons and I’m not even mad anymore, because their all living great lives and I’ve never wanted anything more than their happiness.
I’m writing because I’m in pain. I’m not asking for your attention, I don’t want it and surely don’t need it, I’m writing this out of pure heart break. If there was ever a time in my life where I felt more betrayed it’s now. Imagine being in my situation, maybe you have been, maybe you can relate on a personal level. Imagine being told over and over again things were gonna go back to normal, things were going to be great again, things were going to get better and that that person will always be there for you, and you’re always on their mind, when at one point you were sisters from other misters, traveling to Tennessee together because that’s what best friends did. That’s what we did. Than all of a sudden getting ditched 24/7, lied to, stabbed in the back and being a convenience cos she’d rather hang out with people who hand her whatever she wants. I was never able to provide that, I could never buy her the shit she wanted, but everyone else can, and that’s a big reason she doesn’t want me around anymore, cos I can’t feed her spoiled personality.
I can’t give in anymore, I can’t keep running back because I feel lonely and she’s the only one who was actually there for me at one point. If she wants to play that game, I’m gonna win it, because I’m done being walked on. I’d rather be alone than have someone in my life who doesn’t respect and appreciate me, so if that’s how you wanna be Becca, be it.
- Blog Layout Credit: inej ghafa -
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