Use Your Words (Kindly)?

I said I was only gonna write on wednesdays, but what the hell, if something goes on in my life that I wanna let out than I’m gonna do that regardless of the days.
Have you ever had lectures repeated to you 24/7? I mean full blown lectures that point out how you’re a sorry sac of shit, even if it wasn’t meant to sound that way? Well lucky for you, most of the time that’s just how it is. In no way, shape, or form am I perfect, a lot of the times I feel completely worthless because I am not doing what most adults I know are doing. Most of the people I met in my life that I went to school with or were friends with now have shit going for them while I’m on the sidelines not being able to participate in the race called life. I don’t have a job, or my own home, I don’t care a car, or even my liscence, shit I don’t even have a permit. But I would also never sit there and treat someone like they’ll never go anywhere in life or that they have absolutely no intentions, which is how I feel on a daily basis. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, besides trying to refrain from seeing some sort of failure, but in a way I feel no potential either, I’ve had some shitty ass cards dealt to me throughout my life, some too personal to share, but when you’re dealing with some things like I am, than you tend to put more on the blame on that than myself fully, which I understand this has more to do with my laziness or my not wanting to do anything than anything else going on in my life, but when it comes to certain things, you can do that.
When you’re suffering from Graves Disease, Depression, Panic Attacks.. Blah Blah, than it tends to take a toll on you, emotionally more than physically, but all in all, both. You feel subtracted from the world as if you’re completely different from the rest and upset cos you wonder why it’s happening to you and not someone who deserves it. The main feeling you have when dealing with this shit is the constant feel of how you’re not worthy or this world, or how you’re continuously feeling like you’re gonna die because your Panic Attacks were so severe now your brain is in constant Fight Or Flight mode. It takes a serious toll on your life, when you’re extremely Anti-social and don’t wanna be around people cos you feel you’re always gonna be judged or looked at funny when you already feel bad enough about yourself, it’s not good. I am constantly getting yelled at or bitched at for not taking my life seriously, or how I’m not going anywhere in life, or how am I gonna make it out in the world on my own? Sounds something like my dad would say to me. Not anyone else who is supposed to be close to me, and guide me, instead of punishing me all the time because I’m not a golden child.
I’m not gonna lie, I need help. I need someone to help me because it’s obvious I can’t do this alone, and believe me I’ve tried, sometimes you need a big motivated kick in the ass (lovingly of course) to get where you wanna be. I realize I’m not gonna be a meteorologist/storm chaser by just talking about it, I gotta do it, but it’s hard when people throw you under a bus, so do me a favor and spare me the shit talks, I get it, but I still need a guidance. Someone to help me, and I know I’m not alone, and maybe I talk to much, ask for too much or if you feel I’m attention seeking be my guest, that’s not what this is about in the slightest, like I said in my last blog, I don’t need attention, or your pity, I don’t need that, I just need help.

xoxo