The last couple of weeks have been somewhat good, some of my friends came up from England and along with a friend from University we went off to T in the Park, that was so much fun. My diet went out the window and ive put on a lot of weight. Then the other night I went off to a gig with Ella, a girl in Aberdeen who ive known for a few years, and who ive slowly warmed to... She stayed over the other night, and the amount of self control I had to give myself to stop myself making any moves on her. It felt like that burning desire in me whenever I was with my ex girlfriend, it was almost like a disease. The doctor did tell me I suffered with sex addiction and told me to see a psychiatrist, which I refused obviously... Ella knows I like her, so behaving myself that night was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do.
But Ive been feeling something growing within me, emotion wise, for a number of weeks, and its making me sad and more hollow and heartless than I already am.
I feel alone... I feel that now Im well and truly back to who I am, a person who has an unparalleled eye for ambition and success, which means its come with a number of bad problems and its really bringing me down.
My friends are always there, and I love them so much, a handful of them I will remain friends throughout my entire life, and that is special in itself, they knew who they are. But for a very long time i feel like theres been a gap in my life, and I know its for a girl to come into my life and fill it, but apart from the one girl I really like at the moment, Ella, there is nothing.
I know my busy life with work and my course has taken over everything, and any form of close relationship, for the time being, is nearly impossible, and its really bringing me down, making me upset and grumpy. For the past number of months Ive been miserable, everyone points it out, I wont smile, I am sad within because Im impatient with life, I want to get somewhere and Im unhappy and grumpy with myself because Im not getting there.
Now that ive started to build towards it, Im feeling a bit happier, but the fact that I still have that missing gap, is making me even sadder, and Im still miserable. For love nor money, I cant remember the last time I felt truly happy, you know? That happy feeling where you just feel warm and fuzzy feeling inside of you, and thats sad.
I feel alone. The only warm feeling I get is whenever I come home to see my f*cking dog, shes the only thing that makes me happy at the moment, apart from the time Im with Ella, which frankly is in a blue moon. My friends fill the gaps, but I dont see them enough, again, because of my busy life and their equally busy lives.
In 2 weeks Im going home for a month for one last hora-ah to see my friends and family, and my cousins wedding, which will be a momentous occasion. If I didnt have that motivation to cling on to, then I would be in pieces, thats how bad and empty life feels right now. Its all about balance, and at the moment, I have too much balance in the way of my career and future proofing my ideas and business plans... whilst Im busy doing all of this, my heart is becoming non existent and this enormous abyss of space has appeared in my life that now I feel needs to be filled by someone special.
Its bringing me down but I dont know what to do about it, I always say to myself that I should have faith in the future, but for a very long time I feel like ive been thinking that for too long, I feel like I am due a lucky break, but until that happens my ethics and beliefs of non stop work will continue, nobody deserves a day off, and if I havent found that lucky piece of happiness than maybe it is fates way of telling me that I dont deserve it yet.... Which would be fair enough, albeit an extremely hard outlook of my beliefs and life.
I have another extremely 2/3 busy weeks of almost non stop work, before I go home, and then its back up here for another year of university. Come christmas, serious talks will be taking place within my family and friend groups for what I want to do and achieve in life - which as everyone knows, is outrageous, and something that only really I believe I can achieve.
But truth be told, I do need a girlfriend, I do need that someone special in my life now, because I do feel so alone, and its not a nice feeling.
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