Thoughts

A break…that’s what he wants to do is take a break. How can we take a break when we live in the same house? How can we take a break when we have the children to take care of? How can we take a break without people realizing it?

Who am I? Why do I not know who I am? How can I be 24 years old and not know who I am? Why does it seem like this is going to be so easy for him?

Should I take my engagement ring off or keep it on? Should I change my profile picture on facebook or no? Should I change us to “it’s complicated?” I don’t know what I should do.
Don’t know what I should be feeling right now. All I know is that I love him more than anything and want a future together. I want to be normal but it doesn’t seem that I can be.

How can I live with him, sleep in the same bed as him, and not be with him right now? I don’t know how long this is going to take and that’s what scares me the most right now. Somehow I have a feeling that he is going to find someone else and realize that he doesn’t actually love me. Then leave me to be a single mother of 2, just like my mom was, but the biggest difference is that I am currently a stay at home mom. How am I supposed to raise two kids when the only job skill I have is being a prep cook and dietary aid at a nursing home? Oh and a cashier for a total of 5 months.

I wish I had my friends around me to help me. I really regret moving to North Carolina. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have kids and didn’t have the responsibilities I do right now. But then I feel guilty for thinking like that because I really do love my kids and would do anything for them.

I never really got to live before I had my kids. I don’t have stories like my friends do, even the ones who had kids really young. I didn’t go out and do things. It’s just not who I am, but I sometimes wish it was. I sometimes wish I drank and/or smoked just so that I had something in common with my friends and the people around me. Everyone wonders how I get through my day without smoking, or drinking, or doing anything that is bad for me. Hell I wonder how I get through my day without any of that stuff. And I have no idea. It’s a mystery to me.