Love Without Boundaries

I used to believe in love—the kind of love that is unfailing and without boundaries. I believed that there was someone for everyone, even the broken ones. Those who found themselves lost never gave into chance, or believed in love just enough to find who they were meant to be. I never once put any doubt into God’s plans, and I never let my faith waiver. I believed whole-heartedly and followed blindingly without any questions answered and never bothered to ask.

The first time you walked into my life, I was this girl. I was the girl who believed in everything, and everyone. I was nervous and I hid myself behind the pool wall—but you were there, talking to my best friend. I watched you talk, we shared hellos, and you left. I remember telling my friend that you were cute—really, really cute. I thought that since you lived across the street from my best friend, we would be seeing more of each other. Little did I know that it would be the last time I saw you. However, it wasn’t the last time you touched my heart, or my soul. These past couple of years have been disastrous—our constant flirting, never meeting in person, texting and sharing photos. Our “relationship” was a relationship, but not at the same time. For a while, you had me believing you loved me—loved me like the kind of love I believed in. Today, right now, that’s not how it is. All these years, of the on and offs, you come back…or, we come back to each other all the time. It’s heartbreaking, and I am always so torn on what to do. I love you, and it’s even hard for me to write that out because I always feel like it’s a secret I should take with me to my grave. I don’t want you to know, because it gives you even more power over me. I know I told you a few times, and we even shared them a while back, but it’s different now. I don’t know how, or why, but it’s different. Each time you leave, you take a piece of me and when you come back you take another piece without giving back the last one you took. I’m running out of pieces to give—what more could I give you? Why can’t we just stay away from each other? Why is this inevitable? Maybe all of it is just in my head, I have no idea really. I’ve lost sight of a lot of things—of myself, of who I am and who I want to be. This year alone has changed me, but I can’t seem to understand the lesson it wants to teach me. I was taught forgiveness, to let go instead of holding on, and to be who I am—but now I am lost, and I don’t know how to be who I am, or “Who” that person is. But there is always one thing I can seem to count on, and that is our stupid little arguments that end our ‘relationship’, the months that go by without our messages, and the unsurprising but surprising messages to each other after a long period of absence. Just the other day I received a message from you, after our fight a few months back. Yes, I had a part in it—we both did. I feel like a larger piece was taken this time, but even after that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I tried to get myself to stop, and when I felt like I was finally moving on you came back into my life so fast, with a simple message of “hi, lets be friends”. What does “being people that aren’t weird or cryptic” even mean? And please, please don’t tell me you miss me and then drop off the face of the earth for days. I still haven’t even heard from you—and I don’t want to message you because I don’t want to risk another heartbreak, but if I don’t I’ll feel like I am losing you. And if I were to tell you this, any of this, your reaction won’t be the one I would like. And I feel like if I were to put any of this on you, I would be selfish. You’ve gone through a lot yourself, and I don’t want dump all my shit on you—because it’s a lot of shit. So fucking much shit it’s ridiculous.

But what can I do? I’m lying here, typing away furiously with all this on my mind, and all I can think about is how I want you to be here with me and I shouldn’t want that. I deserve more. You deserve more. I want you happy, and if happy isn’t with me that’s okay. Because if you’re happy, I’ll find my happiness. I don’t know how, but maybe I eventually will. It just won’t be the “unfailing, boundless” love that I once believed in.