Neglect

I have so much shit to do.

I have to judge my contest (Again, for the millionth time, if you've entered I'm SUPER sorry and am legit the worst person ever. Fuck me.)

I have to do a graphic for Big Bang.

I have other shit I have to do, possibly. But I'm just so caught up with school work and the fact that I have a cold and am emotionally on the rocks.

Am I going through my first heartbreak? I don't even know. I'm not sure how I even feel. I'm just waiting for that breaking point, you know? I'm waiting to cry. I haven't yet. I get really close but it isn't happening.

I have counseling tomorrow. In less than 24 hours from now, to be exact. We'll see.

Schooling is going okay. Besides the fact, I just didn't go to my Child Development class today. I'm doing my homework and handing it in and so far been getting A's back so it's lit.

I feel the fact that I'm still emotionally caught up about Emerson is bullshit. He called like, what, Monday? Tuesday? We argued over the phone. He sounded pretty mad and hurt, but he doesn't like owning up to his emotions so when I asked he said he was fine. He said statistically I'll be old, fat, and alone if I don't lose weight. I said I would rather be that than to spend another moment with me. I put it on speaker phone for my roommate to hear.

I cursed him out. I don't remember what I said. I blacked out most of the conversation.

Through it all he tried to make it look like he's the good guy. In his own narrative, he probably does think he's the good guy and I'm just immature. He referred to us as friends. Like we ever were. He tried to say he controlled me cause I remained loyal throughout the six months.

And that's when it just dawned on me, we don't want the same thing from each other. We don't even have the same concept of what a relationship and love is.

In every form, Emerson wants a submissive that upholds his idea of masculinity and what a man should be. He liked me cause I was easy and naive. The second I said no to a command, that was the break. He's def done with my now because I had a one-night stand with a guy. Which I think is hilarious cause he fucked/is currently fucking his ex.

She's gorgeous, by the way. A little rough with her eyeshadow blending skills, but she's def a looker.

And for some reason...that really strikes a cord with me.

It hurts. I'm transitioning emotions. For a week I was just angry. Burning, flaming out, red anger. I lived in it. Then I became careless and drunk my weekend away. It probably looked great on snap, but I was avoiding all emotion.

And now I'm just hurt. I can finally own up to the fact I'm just really hurt.

And my self-esteem is SHOT. Not completely gone, but it is not in a good place right now.

Rebuilding is needed. Big time.

Funny thing is, one time during the call he brought up the fact if I met him when he graduated high school we would have never been a thing cause he was a LOSER. Which is hilarious cause I think all the time how I wish I knew the fresh out of high school him cause that's when his heart seemed the most pure. I would've loved him the same if not more.

But I was like 12 lol. He graduated high school like 8 years ago. It's time to let it go.

I said he was projecting and he got defensive. Idk. I just think he hasn't emotionally grown much since then, no matter how much he says he's physically and mentally pushed himself to be better.

I "never ever" him and that will, possibly, be the last time we hear from each other.

Ironically, the week we broke up I kept seeing the back of a boy that looked EXACTLY like him with a similar bookbag that he wears but it's not him. I haven't seen him at all this week.

And just like how I got sick the week I met him, I'm sick the week I leave him. It all comes full circle.

My friends wanna go to this feast thing we went to last year that's the end of this month. I'm up to it and will love going, but it's on the same block that he lives on.

So there's that.

I just want all the second guesses to go away. Shots to your self-esteem suck. I'm comparing myself to EVERYONE. Especially girls that are his "type". My best friend said that he probably fetishized me, and she could be right. But my mind is so invasive. Having to tell yourself you're not fat and questioning whether or not you're pretty at least 3 times a day is not fun.

Part of me wants to date. Like I want a goofy, funny, nice, husky, amazing guy who I can actually bring around my friends.

Part of me will fully be okay if I never talk to another man for the rest of my life. Or at the very least this semester.

We'll see.

Bye. <3