I Feel Terrible for Feeling

My boyfriend has been away at basic training for 6 months. Before he was my boyfriend, we were friends and then friends with benefits and we became a couple about a month or two after he left. I had feelings for him long before that, but I kept my feelings to myself because I was afraid he wouldn't feel the same way.

Anyway, it's been six months of emotional ups and downs. I cried so much when he first left (it felt like my best friend was gone) and after we started dating, I was feeling even more distraught about him being away and had occasional moments of mild depression.

He graduates this coming Wednesday and will be back Saturday night, which I couldn't be more happy about!

It's just...

I get tattoos at the tattoo shop in town and one of the guys Jason has been giving me sexual queues, I think.

My best friend Alex and I went to dinner with her friend Jayme, who works at the tattoo shop and my tattoo guy was there as well as Jason and another apprentice. Wes, my tattoo guy is hot but in a relationship. Jason is supposedly in a relationship but sure as hell doesn't act like it!

So he was firing out smart-ass jokes all night, as well as sexual ones too and I shot my own right back. It was all fun and games and I was enjoying myself, but I was feeling a LOT of sexual energy and attraction to this guy. A LOT. Not to mention, he's a grown man with awesome tattoos AND he's attractive.

We were in a social setting, so I figured my sex references would be taken as jokes and nothing more.

Later that night, Jason sent me a friend request and a message on facebook, whatever, sure, I'm down for friendship. So we chatted a little and I told him I was taking a shower and he asked for a selfie and I kept saying no. It was casual. Then I was hanging out with my cat and thought it'd be funny to send him a picture of my cat and say "thought you'd like to see my pussy". Come on now, that's pretty comical.

The next night he invited e to hang out and do something in the afternoon, because I was complaining about being bored.

He invited me to eat with him, Wes and Wes' fiancé at a chill restaurant but I couldn't make on time, so he just told me that when I get to town, I should come down. So I did and we all went back to the tattoo shop and they were drinking beer before we went to see a movie. It was totally casual and I had a nice time. No touching from him at all.

We go to the movie and I sit by him because he was the one that invited me and he's fucking around with me the whole time, same to Wes because that's just the type of person he is, so it was chill. But I could feel the sexual energy between us and I was feeding off of it like a fish parched for water.

He lowered his hand off the armrest and onto my seat next to my leg and I just looked at it. Occasionally, he would poke my leg or bump it and sometimes I would poke his arm but I kind of just stopped responding to him but he kept playing around, which I was fine with.

Without his playing around, the heat from his hand burning into my leg was torture enough. And he smells so good! Like the kind of man smell you'd love to have wrapped around you in bed and embrace you during the day. So good! Heaven to my nose! And he's a man! An attractive one that's interested in me.

Regardless of the fact that it's probably just for sex, the attention was enough to put me in an emotional mess and I feel awful for dabbling in it! I just kind of felt I couldn't help myself and I want it sooooo bad. It's not entirely who it's from but it's such a perfect set up and I just feel plain awful.

I cried to my best friend Alex about it and I think I'm going to talk to my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I ... we talk but not a lot. Sure we text everyday, but it's over time and we don't talk about much and I just don't feel like I'm receiving a lot of attention from him. Especially reassurance that he's attracted to me physically or sexually.

And I feel even more terrible because he graduates in a few days and will be back this week but all of this has just built up and I feel like I'll explode!

I'm a famished rabbit and someone is dangling a very appetizing carrot in my face.
September 25th, 2016 at 07:13am