Disgusting Ramblings of a Depressed Mommy

I just want to be alone, to fall into myself and drown it everything that is wrong with me.
I want to revel in my insecurities and destroy myself slowly, without a care in the world except ripping myself to shreds. Tear my mind apart, and burn down any ounce of hope and happiness I have within me.

Then I hear your voice... It calls to me.
Not my name, no. It calls to the small broken child in me.
The want and need to be coddled and loved... It's small, shaking, and scarred arms reach out for you. All that little girl wants is to be cared for, to not be abandoned no matter how difficult she is to deal with. The mere sound of your words flowing through my ears making me never want to leave your side, though I have yet to feel your touch, I'm hooked.
It's stronger than the lines of coke I've downed to feel a false sense of fullness in my life.

Never have I craved a person as much as I have since you came along.
Pulling away takes so much out of me, leaving behind only a dull ache and emptiness within my chest. Thoughts flood my head of me undeserving of you, of your company and your beautiful words. I've always known I was a terrible person.. I lie, I manipulate, I hurt people to make myself feel more alright with the fact that others have hurt me.
Leave me alone.. please... Just tell me you were kidding, that you only wanted a momentary place holder. Tell me you could never be with me, that you only wanted company.
Tell me I'm a mess, and you could never handle it. That I'm disgusting and ugly and you could never love me. Tell me I'm a whore and used and dirty, treat me the same as everyone else has.
I destroy everything I touch.
I don't want to ruin you... you're such a mesmerizing and gorgeous soul. I could drown in your words and die the most beautiful death so long as your voice was the last thing I heard.

I told myself I'd never love someone, I wouldn't let them in.
I push and push, building walls brick by brick to keep them out. Wanting nothing more than to make the world hate me, so that I may finally leave in peace.
I've only ever wanted to just give up living.
For as long as I could remember, I've wanted to give it up. Someone, anyone. Take this life.
There are so many people who would kill to have my life, who would give anything up just so that they c ould live another day and enjoy it, while I want nothing more than to stop.
Wouldn't it be amazing for those of us who wish to be free of life could give those who have no time or moments left the life that we wish to discard. Save another life from the pain of knowing their death, save their loved ones from losing them by merely trading our expiration date.
Let me take it. Please.
Let me take your pain and wither away as you enjoy the life I no longer want.

Since I can't simply go, I'll sooth the pain.
I'll drink till the bottle is empty, then pick up another.
I'll snort the line before me till I have none left, then buy another bag.
Toss the next pill into my mouth, swallowing and waiting for the false sense of security and confidence that it gives me.
Anything to numb the chest shattering feeling, and fill the empty parts of me that have lost all use.
Normal?
What does it mean? How can we constantly use the phrase "I just want to be Normal." When we have no precise or actual meaning for the word. No way to define what normal is. What is normal to one person can be completely foreign and chaotic to another.
When a person completely hates them self and wants to destroy every fiber of their being and finds this normal, others see it as self destructive and unhealthy.
In vice versa, a person who has come to terms and loves them self the way they are, is a total alien to someone on the opposite spectrum of the rainbow. They are utterly confused by the thought of being able to accept themselves for the person they are.