10.11.16 7:14pm

So much has happened in the passed few months.
I have a new boyfriend, Michael, who is in love with me and I am in love with him...... but this shit is weird. How do I even function in a relationship? I know don't cheat and don't lie, but other than that, what do you do? Like, I have no soul with things like emotions. I'm inconsiderate and petty. Sometimes I wonder how I got this far with my fucking attitude. The fact that I'm so goddamn pessimistic about everything and everyone. I swear everyone is out to hurt me. I don't know whether its because I have extremely low self-esteem or because these fucking voices in my head never shut up, so I always think there's someone talking to me when there really isn't.
I get scared at the thought that one day, I will be in love with my husband and we'll have children... and somehow, someway I will ruin it all. I'm scared to think that I will get so scared with the idea of having to make one person happy for the rest of their life, that they take over me and fuck everything up... which has happened before. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle myself for much longer. I'm afraid of what I will do to myself and those around me. I don't want to hurt anyone with my actions, but if they take over, technically it isn't me, right?
I regret leaving the therapy I went to. Unfortunately, it got expensive. Also really unfortunately, I know that school counselors aren't enough for me. I figured that out in the 6th grade when I went to my first counselor... Well, actually, my first counselor was in the 4th grade...... well shit. Fuck me then right?

I'm afraid because I am in love with a man who loves me and wants to give me the world.... But my mind isn't ready to accept the love he is offering.
I want to be sooooo bad.
I hope these are just my post-honeymoon period doubts.