Over the last few years, social media outlets and society itself has become more accepting of mental health issues. Though there are still the occasional assholes who tend to mock and belittle this serious problem, there are more who speak up in support of those who suffer from mental health issues, or those who speak up because they suffer themselves. I find this comforting, because when I first acknowledged having a mental health problem, people shook their heads and told me it was all in my head. They were right about one thing, my mental health issue is indeed all in my head, but not in the way they were suggesting.
There are still people out there who believe that mental health problems are caused by the people themselves. The amount of times I had to sit through someone telling me that I was keeping myself depressed, or that all I needed to do was change my negative outlook on life and I'd be fine, is astounding. What they don't know is that they are only adding to the problem by neglecting our feelings and dismissing our problems. The one I struggle with the most, personally, is when people mock me for still feeling hatred towards those that bullied me. "Is that still bothering you?" and "You should learn to let go," are just a few of the lines I'm constantly confronted with.
My biggest problem with my mental health issues, and I have been diagnosed with quite a few, is that I've always been skilled in putting how I feel into words. I understand where most of my suffering comes from and what can trigger certain aspects of my diagnosed illnesses. When people say they don't understand, I can explain it to them by using various metaphors to simplify most of the things that go on inside of my head. Though patterns, behavioral patterns and impulses. The thing I can't seem to do is actually fix any of these problems, which is where people often get confused. If I know what is wrong, why can't I fix it. Well, that is why they are called illnesses and this is the part where I can get very harsh. You see, if I break my leg and go to the hospital, I can tell you about how I broke my leg and why my leg is broken, but the problem I stumble upon is that I can't fix my broken leg. I need a professional to help me.
So here is my question; why can a doctor fix my leg when it is broken, without making my pain look small and insignificant, while psychiatrists and psychologists always seem to do just that.
Before you say that it sounds like I just haven't met the right therapist yet, I have encountered several that were perfect, yet because of my diagnoses I was classed as a Psychology Tier 2 patient, while they were only certified to help those of Tier 1. That meant they had to recommend me to someone who was specialized in Tier 2 Psychology, which resulted in our sessions being ended. I've also been on anti-depressants and they made me feel like a hallowed out shell version of myself. When I stopped using them, my emotional problems overwhelmed me, but after a somewhat short journey on a stormy sea, the water turned into to a somewhat calmer ocean. I've had people tell me that I wasn't on the right medication, but again due to difficult communication between me and my psychiatrist, I felt I was in no hurry to get back to her and ask for other drugs that would or would not work.
The government is telling me I function well enough to work full time, where I have experienced that this is not the case. When I tell them this, they say that other endeavors hadn't worked because I was over stimulated due to my ADHD, but what caused me to fail my other jobs was my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which caused me to think such negative thoughts about myself and my capabilities that I eventually stopped showing up for work, or that I eventually mentally checked out. I could not handle criticism at all, because this made me loose all faith in myself and I'd end up crying on the toilet. It even got so bad at one point that I could not go to work because the thought of pretending to be fine caused me to have severe panic attacks. But, the government thinks I can function fine, so who am I to tell them otherwise, right?
Now, I know there are a lot of people who have abused the system. Who made their problems bigger just to get out of work and receive a large sum of money payed for by the government, who gets this money from the hard work people who can pay their taxes. This is a classical case of good people suffering for the actions of the bad people.
So, here's the thing; I'm a 26 year old woman who suffers from social anxiety, ADHD and BPD. I've attended school, graduated high school, but was unable to finish any degree beyond that. I have student loans because I decided to continue school, even though I knew I was emotionally unstable and eventually I dropped out because I was one step away from a serious burn out. I sought help, but was given little to nothing to hold on too, and while everyone is telling me I'm fine, I need to scream at the top of my lungs that I'm not. If I don't scream, it seems nobody hears me, nobody wants to hear me. I've maintained a few jobs, but ended up getting fired because I was limited by my disorders. The icing on the cake is that I also suffer from serious chronic migraine attacks, with a minimum of three attacks a week. Yes, I've been to multiple doctors and again they can't seem to help me.
I'm sorry that this blog turned into a massive rant, but after these last few days in which I've encountered extreme low points with my disorders, I just needed a place to jot all of it down. Thank you for listening.
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