Hey, all!
This blog is beyond overdue, but hi! I'm back for good, I suppose. Mibba can't get rid of me. (;
Well, in short, the last few months have been weird. I started another semester at school late in the summer; I have around seven weeks until I'm done, then I have one more semester after this one -- in which I'm taking three classes -- and then another one after that -- in which I'm taking one class -- then I start nursing school in the fall! In a previous blog, I said I'd start in the summer, but since I'm retaking two classes, I might as well spread it out a bit further so I'm not stressed out. Plus, it gives me time to get all that money shit out of the way and it'll help raise my GPA, too!
Additionally, around three weeks ago, we had to put my fifteen-year-old pomeranian, Jewel, to sleep. It was...God, it was literally one of the worst days of my life. I ended up fighting with my parents about it because I was not for it. I've had the dog since I was eight years old -- eight years old! She'd been with me (us) through the good times and the bad. I considered her one of only friends when I was in middle school, because I genuinely did not have friends. She was always so happy to see me when I came home from school; she was my best friend. She didn't care if my hair was oily, or if I was breaking out, or if I was crying and feeling totally ugly. She loved me anyways.
Over the last few years, I was the only one that she'd allow to hold her. I'd put on one of my big, comfortable jackets, and I'd walk around the house with her in my jacket. She'd sit in the jacket and watch TV with me, or she'd fall asleep on my chest. I hand-fed her, I washed her, I cleaned out her crate every morning. About five years ago, she wouldn't stop vomiting, so I went into nurse mode and fed her water from a syringe and watered down some of her food so it would be easier on her stomach. I stayed up all night with her and kept her comfortable. Mom bought jackets and little baby clothes for her to wear because she'd get cold at night. We put a flannel bed sheet over her crate so the cold air wouldn't bug her too much.
I'd like to think that we did everything right by her; the vet said it was the most compassionate thing we could do for her because she just wasn't my Jewel-Bear anymore. Dad said she didn't eat for two days beforehand. I held her for the last time in the car and cried like there was no tomorrow.
We were shown into a room where, y'know. I sat on the couch and just kept crying, even when the nurse and vet came in and spoke to us a bit. I cried so hard that my back started spasming and I lost feeling in my fingers. I kept holding her, but I didn't even have the balls to be present with her as she took her last breath. Mom wasn't able to either, but the nurse said she'd be with her. I felt like the worst person in the world as I handed my dog over to the nurse. Mom and I kissed her and hugged her one last time, then we left. I still remember holding Jewel's bed that we brought her in and just wanting to pass out.
It was literally the worst day of my life. I see pictures of her and I still cry. I miss her so much, but I'm trying to think of how unfair it was for her to keep her here -- she was blind and deaf, she had no teeth. She didn't like to get out of her crate, and while she ate a bit and drank here and there, there wasn't any indication that she had any quality of life anymore.
She visited me in my dreams a few days ago and I woke up crying. It's still so fucking surreal, y'know? I have the boys, Rambo and Shadow, but it's still weird going downstairs and seeing only Ram's blue bed and Shaddy's little crate, when I was used to seeing Jewel's massive crate, Shaddy's little crate, and Ram's blue bed. I know it will continue to be weird for a while, but it sucks. :/
But yeah, I've been occupying my time with writing and studying for my classes; I posted three stories yesterday:
-- FRAGILITY
-- PALE
-- VED'MA
Y'all know what Fragility and Pale are about, lol. The first few chapters haven't changed much, but I added a few more different chapters that will come a bit later. I'm excited for all of you to see these changes. (: Additionally, Ved'ma is my new baby and I'm so excited for it! It was kind of unintentional to write a witch-y story right before Halloween, lmao. Anyways, check those out if you haven't already~
Oh, and if anyone is wondering, I'm not going NaNo this year, but I wish y'all who do do it the absolutely best of luck. :D
Hope you guys have been well. ♡♡♡
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