RIP Baby Ava

I am going to try to use this blog as a way to process all of my thoughts, because I am struggling so deeply right now and writing has always helped me put things together.

On Tuesday, November 1st, my sister went into labor, ready to deliver her first child, and both our parents and her husband's first grandchild. Her name is Ava and I say is because I don't feel ready to say was. Ava was very healthy and a perfect little baby.

My sister was in labor for most of the day with all of us going in and out of the hospital room. They only let two people in at a time so we would have to take turns being with her. Finally she started crowning and we all left so that it could be her and her husband there when Ava was born.

We had no idea that anything was wrong. My sister had no idea that anything was wrong.

All I remember is sitting in the waiting room waiting for someone to come out and announce that Ava had been born. But it never happened. It was maybe 20 minutes after the last time I'd seen my sister, but it felt like a life time. And then I just heard her screaming in a way that I'd never heard anyone scream before. My brother in law came running out into the waiting room screaming and just collapsed onto the floor.

Ava never took a breath. The doctors said that there were complications during labor. Ava got stuck in the birth canal and suffocated while she was still inside my sister. They said that she had been dead for 15 minutes before she was born according to the fetal heart monitor, but the doctors didn't tell anyone until after. Ava died just minutes after I had left.

Everything afterwards just felt like a blur. Making the funeral arrangements. Writing her obituary. The photographer coming to take pictures of Ava. My sister leaving the hospital with no baby.

Seeing my sister and brother-in-law in so much pain is something I don't think I'll ever forget. All I can see when I close my eyes is them sobbing while they held Ava and said goodbye. All I can hear is my sister screaming why me and blaming herself.

Ava's funeral is tomorrow and I don't know what to do with myself.

I don't know how to process all of this. I don't understand how what's supposed to be the best day of your life can turn into the worst day of your life in just 15 minutes. I don't know what to do or say to make any of this better, and the scariest part is I don't think anyone could. I don't think things will be okay for a very, very long time.

If anyone would like, my family is asking for donations to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep in honor of Ava. The organization does photography for stillborn babies at no cost to the parents. They came and took beautiful photos of Ava and even gave us a dress to bury her in.

Thank you to anyone who read this.