Poop

I'm just going to start this blog off by saying that when I felt like coming here (logging into Mibba and typing up a blog (I even remembered my password!!!)), it felt like a very inspiring moment. Like wow, I feel like reaching out to people-- or even just typing about how I feel at all... even if no one reads it. Now that I've logged on however, I'm less than inspired because:

1. I had to look for the power cord to my laptop
2. My laptop is currently laggy as shite
3. The fact that it's even lagging at all when my mom literally just bought it for me in October and I've turned it on probably 8 fooking times since.

But whatever. For some reason I've been off, which is basically the only time I ever feel creative or inspired (as if you need to be creative to write a fooking blog, ugh) and I just felt like being here. I put the dishes that I was going to do in the sink so they'd look like less of a spread out mess, wiped off the weed crumbs that my boyfriend so kindly never wipes off the kitchen table, found my laptop chord, waited for Mibba to load my profile, and here I am. Some introduction, huh?

Anyway, I have a friend from work that's really into astrology and correlations between numbers, and just interesting shite in general and I always ask him stuff about my sign because I find it interesting that someone can tell me things about myself that I don't necessarily think about on a daily basis, all of which is based on the date of my birth. The Libra of course are the scales. And I am a very unbalanced scale right now.

I find myself doing a variety of things to try and find balance. I try to make an effort to keep my currently very small space clean and tidy. I'm going to school at the end of the month. I'm trying to eat healthy and pack my own lunch for work. I try to spend more time outside with my dog. I pet my dog loads. I try to be aware of my phone usage. I'm trying to listen to music that makes me happier. Just in general, I'm trying to be mindful and realize that everything I'm working towards is going to work out in some way or the other.

I'm finding that a lot of it is not enough to make my brain relax and feel at ease. I always say that I have anxiety but I feel guilty in a way for saying it because I'm not necessarily panicking, I'm just very, very uncomfortable. I can work through social situations that suck, I can get out of bed, I can do things that I want to do, I'm just so fooking uncomfortable all the damn time. Is that anxiety?

Typing that out makes me feel kind of better and I'm just gonna snip it there. I do apologize for the swears, I went through and "bleeped" them out. And for the grammatical incorrectness. I'm a person that enjoys incomplete sentences and broken thoughts. And a lot of rambling... because that's how I feel. And I like writing blogs like we're having a nice little chat.