This Month Sucks

My family is mourning the losses of two women in my family this month: my maternal great-grandmother and my maternal grandmother.

My great-grandma died of brain cancer in late 2008; this is the eighth year that she’s not with us. she was a holocaust survivor who survived Auschwitz and Treblinka. The worst part is that she wasn’t even told that she was dying, having been given three months to live after suffering a stroke. An MRI was done and it was found that she had an inoperable brain tumor. She barely made it to the three month mark and was already somewhere else when her soul left her body.

iI know a lot of you don’t believe in god, but she’s the sole reason that I believe in Him. When she died, I stopped believing because what kind of sick force is He if he’d take away such a wonderful woman from us? She was my hero. Before I loved superheros like Captain America and Iron Man, I loved her because she was my superhero.

I ended up regaining my belief because I know that’s what she would’ve wanted. She always believed in god, always always always. Even when she was starving in the camps, she believed in God and that He was good. Even when her whole family perished in the camps, she believed in God and that He was good. Even when she was liberated and had nothing to her name but the rags on her back and her very name, she believed in God and that He was good. Even during the tough and good times in her seventy-nine years, she believed in God and that He was good. So I believe in God and i believe that He is good.

My maternal grandmother’s story was a different one – she didn’t die from a biological source, but from her own hand. She took her life in late 2014. She suffered very severely from depression and a myriad of other mental illnesses. She was severely addicted to narcotics and she refused all help we offered her. She was a very sad woman, with a lot of problems, but no one deserves to feel as alone as she did; in the end, it drove her to do what she did.

We weren’t speaking at the time of her death because I didn’t have the capacity to have a relationship with someone who was this sick; I have my mental illnesses, too, and being around her was not good for me. To say that I regret that is an absolute understatement.

When she died, I grew very angry at God. She wasn’t a really believing person, but she prayed to Him. She would pray for better times and He ignored her cries.

I wish I could’ve helped her more than I tried to. I wish that she’d bowed her head and got the help she so desperately needed. But right now, all I can hope for her is that she found peace in heaven, away from the narcotics and her mental illnesses. I hope that God is good to her and my great-grandmother in the next life.

I miss them both so much. ♡
November 10th, 2016 at 08:01pm