Early Morning

So apparently tonight is going to be one of those nights where I'm gonna lie staring at the ceiling for hours and hours until the sun rises and I'll finally be exhausted enough to sleep.

I'm not sure why tonight is as it is. I had a rather uneventful day. Perhaps those pills I was taking to help me sleep were doing more than I thought they were. Or perhaps the fact that I napped not once but twice earlier today is the reason why I'm so restless.

I want to have a long conversation with someone and fall asleep as we go off into tangents and end up in a completely different place. It seems no one really wants that but me. I mean, most people just want to sleep when they're tired. I guess in a perfect world, so do I, but I know that just because I'm tired doesn't mean I'll sleep.

It's like the planets have to be aligned just right or something.

I'm not sure whether if I take those pills now, they'll kick in before I would naturally feel tired enough to actually sleep.

I'm not sure I can be bothered.

I'm incredibly lonely tonight. I just want someone's lips on my neck and arms around my chest. I'll probably delete this blog later. I usually post shit like this elsewhere but that elsewhere no longer exists.

It just feels better to get things out. To admit them to myself. To let go of what's inside.

I wish I could write but I just can't anymore. I've been trying so hard lately but every word is a struggle. Nothing sounds right when I read it back. It's all dribble. Or boring. Uninspiring.

It sort of hurts more than I thought it might to lose that about myself. I used to write a lot. Every night. And I liked what I came up with. My notes are full of single lines that will never be added to and plots that I'll never expand upon.

I thought about maybe trying to write some verses. Like a sonnet or something similar. But poetry is frustrating when you're so bored with life. There's no colour to add to it. It comes out very dry and dull.

I wish I had a crush right now. Or anything like that. Some sort of pull on my heart. But there's next to nothing. I like having crushes, even the ones that are all pain. But no one's caught my interest. I simply don't get out enough to meet anyone to crush on.

I know I should get out. Do more things. Meet people. Live. But it's all just so hard. Just to even think about. Sometimes I think I'll die alone.
December 13th, 2016 at 05:19pm