Second Sucks

It's been hard, trying to sleep at night ever since he turned away and walked out of my life.
He said it would be for the better, because everything is so complicated for him and that he needs to focus on her and that it makes no sense in me fighting against history, because history will always win. It's three months versus I-can't-even-fathom-how-many-years.

I want to say that I've given up on him and that I will be okay but some days it doesn't feel like that. I still cry myself to sleep. I still have to take the pills that he shamed me for. It's harder to let him go than I care to admit but second is not the same. He didn't choose me, he chose to leave me behind.

So, instead of holding it in like I have been, I've decided that I will do a blog about it. All I've truly been doing recently is crying and complaining about what I've lost but did I really lose anything? Was he even mine to begin with? I mean, not really right? He is still sharing an apartment with her, will spend the holidays with her and chose to give me up so that they could part ways without the conflict of him being with someone else.

It feels good to just be able to pour out my thoughts, no matter where I am or what time it is. Maybe by pouring my thoughts out when I can't sleep at night will help me sleep better soon? Maybe this will help me heal faster?

A friend of mine recently pointed out that i gave into him too soon and should have held out longer, that I shouldn't have slept with him. Essentially I gave up the one thing that I shouldn't have and maybe that's why he lost interest. Because he got what he wanted. And that's what's tearing me apart on the inside sometimes because I should have had the sense not to do it and waited. Maybe things would have been different but that's so stupid! So what if we slept together? So what if I didn't wait? So what if it was early on? We had a hell of a lot of attraction between us and it happened? That's a pretty shitty reason to walk out of someone's life...because we had sex?! I mean why would he have stuck around after and spent so much time with me and did so many sweet things if all he wanted was sex? I just don't know.

I need to move on from this and consider it a lesson learned. I just wish it wasn't this way and that it would have worked because he was beautiful and smart and funny and had the worst taste in music. We gelled in such a wonderful way. I wish things were different.