Whiskey

Today was better, much better. Aside from the fact that it took me a terribly long time to fall asleep last night, I slept late today and spent time with my parents. The distraction was great and I have a feeling that my dad can sense that something is wrong. He's asked if he could teach me how to play squash, took me to the supermarket, bought way too many things for me and asked me to watch a series of Netflix with him. He usually does things like that when he can sense something is off with me. We never talk about it but it's comforting to know, that in his way, he's trying to be there for me.

It wasn't until I decided that I wanted to get ready for bed did the silence that surrounded me seem to become almost deafening. A few deep breaths and a glass of water later, here I am, trying to do this blog thing to get rid of the frustration and hurt and anger that I've been bottling up.

I found myself wondering if things would be different, how things could possibly be different and what I could have done to keep him around. Of course, the harsh dose of reality is that things can't be different. Things are what they are for a reason and sooner or later, i've got to understand that. Until then, i'll just be crying and complaining about what we used to be, what we used to share and never really heal, never really move on.

Oh but his words were so magical, so full of promise and life and that's where he caught me, with those beautiful empty promises. I'm just scared that after all the hurt and pain i've ever been through, the divorce, the heartbreaks, the failed romances...after all of it, i'll wake up one day and be bitter and cold. Me...the believer or true love, and me...the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve...cold and closed off? I hate to imagine that I would end up that way. And the sad part is, I wasn't looking for anyone, anything, nothing at all, when he walked into my life, sat beside me that Saturday morning and asked me to be his partner for our in class assignment.

Looking back, I think he had me at hello. We spent time getting to know each other and I opened up to him when I hadn't opened up to anyone in such a long time. I think that's what hurts the most. The fact that I let him into my mind and my life and my heart. Looking back I feel like he was pulling the strings and led me to believe that I was dancing to a beautiful song. I was just so caught up in his smile and couldn't see him for what he really was. I had to learn the hard way and now I am. He was trouble from the moment I met him. I should have called it like I saw it.

Now he's gone, I don't even think I even cross his mind anymore. I want that for myself...to not have him cross my mind anymore. He was like my shot of whiskey...the burn, the sting, the high, the heat..all of it and it made me want more of him but that's over now.

I keep having this reoccurring dream, or maybe it's just wishful thinking translating to my dreams...but it's been the same for the last week or so, every night before I go bed, while i'm listening to music to help me fall asleep. Maybe i'll find the words to put it into my next blog, weave it into a mini story or something? Maybe that will be part of the healing process?

Who knows, we'll see...