The Letter to the Risen Dead

To someone that I lost too soon,

There is so many things I wanted to say to you. There are things that I’ve done that I know you wouldn’t be proud of, things that I don’t know how to admit I did to you. Some things I cannot believe I did or things I almost wish I hadn’t. There are a lot of people who I have stopped talking to, or people that you told me I would be around forever.
There is so much that I wish I could see you for or say to you.
There are times that I scroll through my phone and your name stops me in my tracks and I just stare at what once was a means of communication to you.
I remember when we sat down and argued for hours and hours. I remember fighting when we shouldn’t have.
Or I remember that time when I peed my pants and you came to rescue me and we went shopping directly after.
I hear your voice when it’s cold and I’m driving home. Man, was I thinking of you whispering in my ear, “Watch out for that black ice.” You always called it black ice… There wasn’t any.
I see you when I see the cheapest deals, or I see the logo for places you used to shop online.
If I was given the chance to see you again, I don’t know what I would start with. I don’t know where I would go. I wouldn’t want to share you with anyone else, but I know I would. I would be the last to see you, I always am.

So what would I say with your last five minutes?
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry I never did everything that you thought I could do, I’m trying now. I am trying to follow the path you laid for me so many years ago. The things you tried to teach me that I just ignored or things I didn’t understand. Things about life, about relationships, about family, about love, about care, about myself.
I hope you would be proud of me. I can now. I think because I lost you I can. It still hurts, but that is all I can do.
So maybe I didn’t lose you too soon. Maybe I lost you just at the right time. Just enough time to make it work.
Don’t worry about me. I’ll tell the family that you didn’t get to that you miss them, that you love them and you’re watching. But I think that I got this now…
I hope that I got this now because you gave it to me. Thank you for giving me those lessons.

I love you.

Love,

Me.