Doing Better

I've come to realize that the longer i hold onto the hurt and the idea of him, the longer it will take me to heal and so, I've literally gone the route of faking it until i make it. Its been working well thus far. I heard from him for christmas, i got a response to my email and then some other cryptic message about taking a different pre-cal class from the one we signed up for together for the Spring semester.
I've decided that if i continue holding on to what could have been and rethinking all of our times together that i will simply be doing myself an injustice.

When the new semester comes along, we may be in the same class again. But i've resolved myself to the following-perhaps we can think of them as resolutions for this new year:

1. I will be gracious and kind because bitterness is not a good look on anyone.

2. I will not make myself easily available. If he chooses to sit with me, then so be it but it will not be me that finds him and sits in the vacant seat next to him

3. If he asks for help I have no problem assisting but not in such a way that it inconveniences me. Help will always be given to those who ask for it.

4. I will focus on me, hitting the gym again and taking care of myself. I stopped doing those things when he and I got together and it's time I do what is right for me.

5. I will ensure that I go to all my classes and do well in each of them and focus my attentions to my academics.

6. I will not drink when I get sad or if I get sad about him. I do stupid things when I drink and I really don't want to have any more regrets than I already do and quite a few of them have been because I allowed myself to feel downtrodden by someone who should never have that kind of power over anyone.

7. I will allow that light and happiness that everyone always talks about to shine through me because that is who I am. I will not let anyone take it away from me, dim it or try to snuff it out. The goodness that I know I have within me will be what I hold on to.

8. I will be at peace with myself, leaving the past in the past. I have come to accept my mistakes, my flaws and my shortcomings as a person. Mistakes do not define us, my certainly will not define who I am. I will continue forward with life, living each day as it comes and being the person that I know I am meant to be.

I guess this experience with him has taught me a lot about myself. It has definitely taught me who I am not, and that I should not have to change anything about myself for someone to find me attractive. My taste in music, my personal sense of style, my books, my flaws and my heart make me who I am. I've embraced it. I am not perfect and I surely do not strive for perfection. I am tough, my friends see me as their little bad-ass. They look to me for strength and for guidance because so many times I have been where some of them are right now. If I shut myself away, if I push them away then I do not have much else. Being loved by others, by friends and family does not make us weak. There is a strength in such love. I am lucky that I have friends that have stood by me. Some of those for longer than a decade and new ones that I intend to cherish.

I will be the person I know I am. No one can take that away and no one can change that.