You Guys Don't Really Know Me, but I Think You Should

This is about to be a mess of blog so bear with me.

There's a couple things I want to kinda address/get off my chest. I feel like I've been on this site for forever, something like ten years now I guess. Or maybe that's an exaggeration. And you guys know things about me, like my going out life and things about that, but I don't really share with you any aspects of my life.

So here it is, a fact sheet on me. Who I am. Saeglopur.

Let's start with my username. I used to get asked lots of questions about it, not just here but on other media outlets because it's my username across the board. Sæglopur is actually a song by Sigur Rós. I came across this Icelandic band when I was watching Penelope. Interestingly enough, I always saw my character Benjamin O'Callaghan (from Ellis Island) as James McAvoy because I was in love with him from Penelope among other romance movies.

So I was watching Penelope and in the final scene, Penelope goes back to Max/Johnny and they kiss and Hoppipolla by Sigur Rós plays so I listened to a lot of their music after that and Sæglopur really struck a chord with me. Yeah, uhm, so that's the story behind my username. Sigur Rós is a great band, most of their songs are sung in a language they made up called Vonlenska. And Sæglopur actually translates to lost at sea.

Other than my username, I also go by Jordan. My grandmother named me, she said that Jordan Taylor (my middle name) was a classic name. I was made fun of a lot growing up for having a boy's name. Particularly because when I was young, I was in ballet and this girl had straight hair with bangs, and I had curly hair that my mom braided everyday. So I went home after ballet, and I really wanted to look like all the other girls so I thought if I cut my hair into bangs I'd be like them. I cut my hair up pretty bad and it had to be fixed by being cut into a pixie. Here I am, as a young girl with a boy's name and haircut. The bullying was pretty bad.

I'm very mean. I don't think you guys would really believe that, if you know me even a little or have read my work or my blogs or anything. But really, I am a mean person. I was really bad during like age 10-15. I was cruel, actually. I didn't pick on people, or call people names, or anything like that. But I wasn't looking for any kind of connection with people, you know? Anytime I met someone who wanted to get to know me or be my friend I just, I shut it down. I was cold and witty. I thought I was better than kids my age because I read books and I wrote and I knew things.

I missed out on a lot because of this. Someone once told me I didn't know how to have fun. Fun for me wasn't running around and being a crazy kid. It was devouring the Vampire Academy series and the Pretty Little Liars series and all my other favorite YA books.

I'm not as mean anymore. I try not to judge people and I try not to be condescending. It was a long and tedious process to change this about myself. But, you know, right around 16-17 it just stopped being cute. Like I looked at myself and the people around me and how they thought of me. And yeah, they were always like you're very smart and they respected that I could get a job done but they hated me. When you're a kid and you're mean to people, everyone just laughs it off but when you get older you're now a bitch. I was a bitch.

I look back on my four years of high school a lot now. I used to resent the girls in my class, that's where a lot of my anger and meanness stemmed from. I always thought they had it so easy and their problems were so trivial. Here's some other information about me. I am a momma's girl. For a long time, I actually really hated me father. I don't like him very much now but I've come to terms with who he is, and his demons. But my mom, god, you know, I'd die that woman.

The summer before freshman year, she was diagnosed with myeloma, not to be mistaken with melanoma. Myeloma is a cancer that has no cure. Her diagnosis took a lot from me. It's crazy because I look at my writing from that year when she was going through chemo and radiation and I watched her get sicker and sicker, and it's some of the most depressing shit I've ever written.

My mom's about six years into remission, now. I'm not going to say much else about it, it's not something I talk about.

This a pretty good synopsis of my life. Up until now. I might've mentioned it before but I was accepted to George Washington University, and I attended the school for five semesters. This Spring would've been my sixth. I used to think that in high school I was really depressed. I used to think that if my mom died I'd kill myself. I'm not entirely sure that that's not still true.

But college, wow, college took it all from me. I say this and I don't think people really hear me. I don't know if it was college in general, or my school specifically, but it tore me apart at the root of who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself as a person anymore. I look in the mirror at I hate myself. Do you know how it feels to hate who you are on the inside? I can't cover it up with makeup, I can't diet or exercise, or change my outfits. The person I am, intrinsically, the decisions I make, the way I think, and function, I hate those things.

So I'm taking this semester off to figure out who I am, and find my way back to myself. The sad thing is, I can't go back and I'll never be the Jordan from Senior year. I have to find a new version of myself, a version I like and can live with.

I saw a psychiatrist this semester, which was part of the process of withdrawing for mental health reasons. I don't think I realized how bad I was until I talked to her. When I was a freshman, I failed (another) exam and I had a breakdown and I disappeared and the police were called and everyone was really worried. That day I disappeared and for some time after, I didn't understand why everyone was so upset. But then I think about that day, really think about it, and there's this bridge that connects Georgetown to Foggy Bottom, and I have to cross it to get back to my campus and on that day, after my breakdown, I crossed that bridge and I stopped and looked down and thought of all reasons I should jump off of it. I thought of all the reasons I shouldn't.

Death doesn't scare me, and maybe that's the problem. But I've always been geared up and ready to lose the one person who matters the most in my life. I've come to terms with the strange and finite existence we live. I didn't jump then, but I don't know if I stayed another semester that I wouldn't have.

I'm back home now, and I'm working as an EMT in the mean time. The pay is great, and it's nice to have a purpose. Last Tuesday, I had my first CPR and we lost the patient. The patient was lost when we got there, actually, but we were unable to bring him back. It was pretty devastating.

In the fall I'll be attending community college and bring my grades back up. Until then, I'm taking each day as it is. I'm reading more often, and writing when I can. I'm even sending letters to my friend who lives in California. Writing letters is nice. I wish it was still a functioning form of communication over texting and phone calls.

I'm just going to keep rebuilding myself, and hopefully I'll create an image of myself I can bear to look at.
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So I realize that all of that isn't all there is to me, and that's kind of my problem. I used to think of myself as just this one thing, my intellect, my education. And part of the reason I hate myself is because I feel like I've lost that. My intelligence is only one part of me. And if I'm going to let you guys in, and tell you who I am or who I think I am, I owe you more than that.

I really enjoy cooking. I'm really good at making italian food. Italian is my favorite kind of food, also. I actually have a lot of things in common with my characters because I basically base them all off of parts of myself. I drink coca cola religiously guys. Like to the point where its not a question of what will kill me. I don't have a favorite color but I like things that are in white. Like most of my shirts and sneakers are white. Actually, all of my sneakers are all white.

I've got three cats and a dog. My dog is a french mastiff named Lily. And I've got a siamese cat named Meena, and two sphynx (hairless) cats named Alaia and Gia. I want another dog real bad. Probably should've said this first, but I'm a twin. I have a twin brother. Or initials are JT and TJ so that's kinda cute. I also have two older sisters.

I get asked a lot what am I. I could go on about how that question annoys me. I was born in the US, my mom and dad were also both born here. My dad's parents immigrated here from Puerto Rico and the DR. My mom's dad is from Georgia, where his family has slave roots. I'm African American and Hispanic. I don't speak Spanish but I should. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school my whole life until college.

What else? I think my music tastes define me a lot. People always ask what I listen to there. There's the music I listen to, the inspires me and inspires my writing. Then there's the music I'll listen to with other people, when I'm driving, or partying. The first set is the music I think that defines me. It's pretty eclectic ranging from indie, alternative and folk and punk rock and classical. My playlists on my phone are named after diseases and illnesses. Some of my favorite artists right now are BANKS, Bon Iver, Florence + the Machine, and Lana Del Rey.

I love reading. You can find most of what I'm reading/have read on Goodreads. I actually just finished reading The Sun Is Also a Star today, and I'm going to start reading Room tonight. I also watch lots of movies. I saw Manchester by the Sea for the second time on Thursday. Great film, I'm rooting for it this award season. I saw La La Land, thought it was okay, not my fave. My brother went to the NY Film Academy and wants to be a director so movies are something we share.

I could say more, I know I can. I don't really know why I did this, told you guys all this stuff. Maybe it's for me, to give myself a starting point. So I can look back in I don't know, a few months or a year and remember how I felt and hopefully be in a better place. Maybe it'll be a good reminder that I'm more than my GPA and my education.

Anyways, I'm going to get dinner.

Until next time,

Jordan