How do I even start to write this? ... It's hard to let it out when it's been held in for so long. I'm scared people will think i'm being petty since it's been so long since you said goodbye, but it's hard to stop loving someone who had you're heart for 5 long years of a short 17 year life.
I want to be over you but it's next to impossible. I find myself comparing everyone to how we used to be! I've even drove good people away, someone who made me feel like I could be happy again in time, someone I truly started to care about. All because I was so scared they wold treat me the way you did! He didn't deserve to be put in the same light as you! I done it anyway though... you ruined me, you made me this insecure and needy! I deserve better!
That's what I tell myself anyway, that I deserve better ...
You meant so much to me, I gave you as much of me as possible, I allowed you to have full control over me and my feelings ... this is how you repay me? That's the hardest part.
How do you go from meaning everything to someone to meaning nothing? How can you just remove me from your life like this? Especially when I done nothing but love you. It makes me think that for so long you used me because there was no one else. That my love for you meant nothing. You had no feelings for me and I was a time filler.
I can openly say that you made me happy, you gave me your time, attention and what seemed like your love. But it makes me question everything that we ever had when you can fill my place so easily. You can tell me that I was holding you back! All I done was motivate you to be the best you could and in the end that wasn't enough? Nothing was enough.
I keep coming back to the thought of you, happy with someone else. Don't get me wrong i'm happy for you, all I want is that smile on your face and that laugh ringing loud. It just hurts that I can't be the one doing that no more, that i'm the cause of sadness instead.
Times that should be happy are now made to feel sad. I got accepted to university in Brighton, I wanted to message you so much. It hurt me not to if i'm honest with myself. You were the first person i'd tell something good to. The person I wanted to be proud of me! I would strive to be my best when I was with you. Now? Now it just feels empty. Like the good news doesn't matter if I can't share it with you. The future I had planned? It doesn't matter if you're not in it. It feels like part of me is missing, like I woke up missing an arm or a leg. It's like i'm re-learning to walk or learning to talk all over again without you by my side... It makes it hard to breath sometimes, especially when I think of how you are the missing piece of my jigsaw. Cliché I know.
I mean I can't even bring myself to delete your messages, or remove you from my contacts list. You still have a hold on me and I hate it. I know that if you came back I would welcome you with open arms. I also know that I wouldn't be given the same treatment. That sucks!
I just want you back in my life because I don't feel like I will ever move on! I just miss you so much, you were my life for so long and now you're just a stranger to me... how do I move on from that? How do I live with half a heart? How do I smile when i'm dying inside? How do I move on when I wasn't ready to let go? How do I live while i'm in love with someone who ignores my existance?
DiaryOfATeen
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