It Doesn't Always Get Better

Today ive hit my personal rock bottom. I don’t know where I really went wrong, but I don’t know if I ever will, but I know that I never want to feel like the way I do right now. I’m at the point where I feel like im the most worthless person on the planet even though im sure that’s not true. I just don’t see the point in my life anymore, but why should I when im not given a reason to actually stick around. I feel like my family has given up on me, and I don’t have many friends who would particularly care if I fell off the face of the earth, and im pretty sure my parents wouldn’t care either. I have been made to feel so pathetic for my entire life that I’m not sure why I didn’t see how useless and pathetic I was sooner. Instead it takes an argument over the stupidest thing to make me see just how little I mean to them. I feel like they would be better off with me gone. At least that’s how it seems lately. One less person to clean up after, one less mouth to feed, one less person using up the space in the house, one less person to take care of, the list actually goes on but I feel that would be redundant. I don’t think they would miss me, ever since I came home from college in Connecticut things have never been the same. I guess I should have stayed and faced the people that called me names and bullied me to the point of wanting to kill myself. I came home to escape that but instead brought myself into a new hell where I was considered a waste of space and money by the one family I have, and again I felt worthless. I thought if I just stuck it out things would get better like they tell you in those suicide awareness commercials, but better never came, in fact life only got worse. It got worse when my family told me that we would be moving away from the only home I had ever known to a state too far away for regular friend and family visits. I was devastated I felt like I didn’t matter and that my feelings meant nothing in the upcoming upheaval of what was my life. I tried to make the best of it, and focus on my school work. My life got better for a while when I met someone that I thought I could spend my life with, until that backfired on me too, something that was probably too my fault. So here I am feeling the same as I did years ago when I was bullied by my classmates except now I’m being bullied by my own flesh and blood, and it seems like no one is on my side, no matter how hard I try. So here I am trying to write it all down in an attempt to make myself feel better but in reality its not its only making my wish to die all that more clear. I clearly was not meant to be on this earth very long since all I have caused is misery since the day I was born, and today I wish I never was born, I wish my mother miscarried like she did with the baby before me, and maybe then everyone in my life would have been happy. I might as well end it before I cause anyone anymore misery.