Rambles at AM

Not exactly sure where this fits on Mibba but I just wanted to share it – it’s a bit too raw for my social media pages but I want others to read it, I call it Rambles at 2 am.

It’s 2 am, that lovely time when your mind begins to wander into thoughts of self-loathing and questioning everything. Right now my mind is wandering on relationships or my lack of strong ones.
I get that you go through life with many different people; but the people I feel should have been my inner circle, the ones I feel kinship with have, well disappointed me. There should be 7 women who form my inner circle, the women I can trust with anything and they’ve let me down. Perhaps I am bitter but at the end of the day they have. It’s sad.

For example the women who should be my friends, I am thinking of three in particular, these three ladies upon meeting them and forming what I thought were strong bonds… failed on epic proportions. Three ladies who should be here today are mere strangers, or on some occasions fond memories. Amazing how people you were once close with can become complete strangers over very little time… Are certain behaviours in friendship unacceptable? When do little comments become big problems?

Mothers and sisters should be unbreakable bonds no? Sadly for me there is only one phrase I can use to describe; crushing, bitter disappointments. My own? Solely not, theirs too. Jealousy, inferiority, superiority. Themes that don’t belong in these relationships. On a personal level I feel I am seen as not a young intellectual trying her best but rather as a cash cow or a burden – and nothing in-between. A phrase I like to use to describe them is “all gob and no substance” self-explanatory and I consider myself the opposite. And I don’t think it works together.

As for the final 2 completing the 7? Unsure. As we age we change and grow apart from people and with these final 2 I sense this is imminent. As our education, careers and aspirations stretch far and wide from each other I expect us to sail further and further apart. Possibly to the point of no return. I feel there is a loss of balance with these relationships, like I am pitted and patronised by them, frustrating would be an appropriate word. I am concerned these differences will form a huge gap rather than differences being appreciated. “I don’t want this to affect our friendship” one says. But in reality it has.