Crawling

Feeling my hunger sneak up on me, then fading, like the waves breaking behind me. The warm sand beneath me squirms and soothes. We remember the things the Akasha forgot; but we forgive it all. Aren't we only in ourselves? What do we owe to anyone else, what could they owe to us?

There is an idea of differentiation called realness. We divide things into what's real and what's fake, but I learned is that nothing is real. I can't bring myself to tell you, not that it makes sense anyway. Everything is created; fakeness is basically characterized as that which has been created. But perhaps this is just a response to trauma. Perhaps it will all peel away and it will be all too real.

I wondered today if it was my strength. Has that spiritual skin finally calloused enough that I can handle things? No, because I'm still twitching like a red hot raw nerve. I'm still bleeding like an open wound that nobody wants to look at. I still break down, I still feel it all too much like a baby who's never felt it before. I'll never get thick skin, because it doesnt exist. Your skin is either real or it's oblivious. Oblivious skin can't feel a thing but itself.

What does this all boil down to? It boils down to the most obvious truth of all. We are nothing but our mindset, our perspective. We are limited by our own minds, which are structured by our experiences, which are largely out of our control. No matter what we expect or what we fear or what we dream of, if our mind is constricted, our experience is confined.

We are all in a tiny cage until we find the way to cut that cord, over and over again. It's like a scavenger hunt with no clues trying to figure it out again. Except you are blind, deaf, sick and crippled while you find the escape, and as soon as you get too comfortable, it grows back. We sing songs for comfort, we cry and laugh and the rhythms and mathematical cycles of our brains change all the time to keep us going.

Maybe instead of waiting for the waves to take you in so that you can just float, you're supposed to crawl toward the shore. That would make it a lot faster at least. But you're exhausted, so you'll just lie there. Until death robs you of all the dreams you never achieved, and gives them to someone else.